Entry 05

WAKA DUKPE

Hi MTV! I am Swahita and this? This? This is definitely not my crib!! When the bus company advertised that their vehicles were the best choice to ‘travel in style’, I should have asked them to be a wee bit more specific. Buh, as uncomfortable as I am, I really don’t mind because why? I am in love!! This time, it’s different, it’s not like the time I was considering murdering someone’s aunty slash wife or wondering when the ‘second shoe would drop’. This time, I feel I feel…
as light as air! I feel like Mary Poppins dolling out spoonfuls of sugar, I feel like a politician going home with a Ghana-must-go-bag of money for seating in a very important meeting about nothing, I feel like the ‘Sylvester’ that got ‘tweety’.
I want to burst into song, I feel so la-la-la… gosh! I have never been happier. A passerby would mistake me for a woman that had been searching for a child for the past 12 years only to be told now that I am four months pregnant with triplets
(Even better than that).
His blessed and holy name is...
Max.
(If I were starring in an Indian movie, now would be a good time to break into a dance sequence).
Max, Max, Max. I looked at my wristwatch and counted; 2 hours, 30 minutes and 45 seconds.
I had been away from Max for that long only 2 hours yet it felt like longer. Max and I? here’s our magical story.

Once upon a time, there was a she-demon called Nneka, who also happened to pretend to be my friend sometimes, when she wasn’t possessed by the spirits of the outer realm, she was nice to me this story took place on one of such days...

Nneka was going for a show in Lagos sponsored by one of her oppressors, not wanting to leave me alone (so she could keep an eye on me) she invited me to tag along. Me as boring a human as I am and not having anything better to do decided to follow. [Of course we went via air; Nneka wouldn’t have it any other way]. It was my first time flying. After I got over my fear that we were going to crash, burn and die, I actually enjoyed the flight. On getting to Lagos, I was introduced to her latest ‘boyfriend’ and also his ‘associate’ I should have guessed (Nneka also doubled as a pimp). I decided to play along for a while and actually enjoyed the show. It was when I got fed up with the ‘associate’ calling me baby and asking how soon we could “leave here and go some place more private” that I offered to up and buy more drinks for myself and Nneka that I met him or more like bumped into him. I spilled half the contents of my drink on him and instead of me to apologize; I stood there gawking at him like he was the present Mr. President dancing on a pole at some exotic night club. He was unbelievably handsome (and I swear I could hear music playing from a distance). Whatever was on his mind, am not sure it was the same thought that was in my head next thing I knew, I was being dragged out of the arena by my elbow holding two paper cups of drink. I wonder how I must have looked but, funny enough, I didn’t struggle. To cut the long story short. The dude that dragged me out was Max, he thought I was his sick niece that he lost in the arena and he was taking me home. After exchanging apologies, (me for the spill, and him for the drag) I offered to help him look for her. We found her in the ladies toilet; she bore a striking resemblance to me and incidentally, we wore similar outfits but there was the obvious height difference (age too) how he missed that? I do not know. We finished the rest of the show together, Nneka’s drink forgotten; we sat in each other’s embrace like an old married couple. Max is the funniest, darkest, sweetest and craziest of guys I have met in my 21 years of life! Nneka and I were to stay in Lag. For 3 days, but by day two, I got fed up with her and her various sweaty palmed, almost bald headed RMD wanna be’s I told her I was going back to school, packed my things and moved in with Max it was the best one night slash day of my life and his 9 year niece turned out to be an interesting hostess. The end!! wait, i forgot... and they lived happily ever after. The End!!!

So, MTV, as rickety as the bus is, the cramp slowly climbing up my leg and filling me with the feeling that soon I would be a crippled wanderer doesn’t make me worry. Rather, it feels like the clutches of the wicked step mother dragging me away from my true love after the poisoned apple failed to work [romantic isn’t it?] it is one small price to pay because I know soon, me and Max would be reunited once more.
Oh and Nneka called to tell me she had added a day to her trip. The she left the man she was with and ‘upgraded’ to a better ‘Maga’ I don’t think me seated in the tightly packed bus would be a good venue to school and educate her on HIV, STD’s and the benefits of a one man one woman relationship (maybe there is an exception for hell spawns) buh, whatever! At the moment, all I care about is my dearly beloved.

- TABBY