Entry 01

NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH

I swear! This is the last time I am going to turn my gorgeous neck around and stare when I hear anyone make that hiss-hiss sound again. Imagine me, of all the nerve!! A good for nothing idiot along the road had the boldness to call out, and make me wait. After wasting my time, he walked up to me and asked if he could touch my boobs that he liked them. He even proceeded to make an attempt to touch them, that hot slap I gave him was too little for the way he cried out. I don’t blame him, because suing the bastard!! Is not a popular –ish in Nigeria! Buh, that’s by the way.
My name is Tabitha but everyone calls me Tabby. Wait up, not really every one. Actually, what I’m trying to say is everyone except good-for-nothing-rude-uncultured- not-born- of-a-woman-insensitive-pigheaded-pompous individuals can call me Tabby. To the others, I am Tahilita Swahita Tabitha!! Tongue twister ‘ey? They are all my first names. It might sound cool but, I think it is insane. My mother named me after all her relations! lucky she didn't have any relations with 'z' in their names then. i wonder what i'da been called. I am of the opinion that mother was constantly on one form of high or the other all through the period she had me in her womb even up till the moment she stopped nursing me. What if it was during the days that the teacher counted the letters of your name to determine the amount of strokes you’d receive? Hum, it would have been between her and God oh. I mean, who would place such a burden on her daughter? Let alone an only child? Well, that’s for the both of us to seat and discuss one of these days. Buh, before I get carried away talking about my super hot mother who mourned my late father for seven years before realizing she was a sexy vixen who didn’t die with her first love and decided to live the life (the bad thing is that none of her so called boyfriends lasted for that long so, I took to calling all of them Dash), I’d put a sock in all issues concerning her and return to my tabs. After all, these tabs are not for my mother, they are for me. As I was saying, you can call me Tabby.
I am a 24 year old student of one of the greatest universities in Nigeria (great if you put aside, run-down lab equipments, epileptic power supply, lecturers who play musical beds with students, outrageous fees for courses we spend a better part of the semester imagining and missing desks and seats). At 24, I believe I am too old to be a student, by now, I should be done with school and through with youth service. I should be hiding behind mother as she chases away prospective suitors bidding for my hand in marriage with a stick. By now, I should be somewhere in the world chasing my dreams or doing something un-student-like, something productive with my life, not tying either of cardigans, jackets and sweaters around my waist, with a bag filled with more books than I can read in one night and prancing of to class to do TDB. I don’t feel like cramming figures and symbols anymore. Geez, when would I grow up?
Would you believe this, the idea of Tabby’s Tabs was brought about by Dr. Dash, mother’s current boyfriend. He couldn’t figure me out and because I keep calling him Dash (much to the annoyance of mother) he made mother bring me to his office for a session. After about an hour of asking me how does this make you feel, he concluded I had issues? Buh, if he thinks by calling her daughter a disturbed psycho, he’d get points with her then, he is the one with bigger issues, he should be booking multiple sessions with me!!
OMG!! It’s almost noon. I have lectures by 1pm. If not for that gill-less tout that harassed me on my way back from town, I might have had time to write some more. Sadly though, I have to stop here so, I’d make it to class on time. Photocopying notes all the time is really beginning to give me a bad reputation.
Ps: when I get back, I’d write about that witch called Nneka she is a hell spawn! I swear, it’s like Satan molded her from his left rib(no wonder artist portray him as a goat, Nneka is with most of his human likeness). As in, he really took his time to create her. Then, after he was through he gave her the mission he said Nneka, go into the world and look for Tabby. Look for her and find her, when you find her, follow her to the hole, make her life a living nightmare. Do this my child. Buh! No time for that now, maybe later.
Pss: Stanley, Stanley, Stanley. If Stanley were a frog, I’d kiss him and all the other Anurans (frogs) of the order! Stanley. (He is o so dreamy!)
Okay, now I am going
Really-really
Okay, I have gone
Bye!
- TABBY