UNFAZED
The first thought that entered my head was ‘Nneka has done it!’ I screamed at the highest note my voice could hit, hopped from one foot to the other and wrung my fingers like freshly laundered sheets before it occurred to me to stop panicking and think. The problem was; being faced with a burning frying pan, a smoke covered kitchen and imagining the gas cooker going “Boom!” at any instant thinking became a novel idea. Somewhere in my head, I pictured Johnny Bravo (a cartoon character) in a fireman’s outfit saying ‘stop, drop and roll’ it gave me comfort for a while till I tried to figure out how the burning pan was going to stop, drop and roll. I out of the kitchen through the back door, packed sand into a rubber pail and brought it inside but throwing sand at the gas didn’t seem like a good plan. I considered making a solution with detergent and pouring it on the frying pan but with the gas still burning brightly, I didn’t think that too would have been a good idea. That loud voice in my head that tells me to do bad things (not the tiny one that gives advice which I often do not take) was screaming panic Tabby! Panic!! The kitchen is on fire, we are all going to die (“we” being the loud voice, the quiet voice and myself). The voice seemed quite certain of the outcome from the day’s event and gave a grim survival ratio. I was close to believing it before it occurred to me to use the oven mittens which were hanging happily from the hook above my head to pick up the burning frying pan, drop it outside and run back to turn off the gas. Thankfully the plan worked! After I short of threw the frying pan (fire and all) out the back door, ran to turn off the gas (which by the special grace of G*d had not exploded) and began opening windows to let in more air. Next, I took in deep breaths in an attempt to calm my racing pulse and staggered to the guest room.
I unplugged the standing fan from the wall socket, rolled the cord around the body and brought it to the kitchen turning it to face it the area with the most of the smoke before plugging it to another socket in order to hasten the removal of the choking smell and smoke that had ensued.
Just after the kitchen was back to ‘near’ normal, the blasted phone rang. Everything happened so fast that I almost forgot how it began in the first place. Buh, it serves me right.
Mother had said I should go visiting with her, Annabel and Dr. Dash but I refused making up a lousy excuse that she brought.
A while later, tired of painting my face and haunting the house, I realized I was hungry and decided I’d eat fried plantain and wash it down with the bottle of wine I had been hoarding from the Christmas party mother hosted a few days earlier.
The can of vegetable oil was empty.
Too lazy to refill it from the pantry, I decided to bleach palm oil and use instead. I had cut the plantain and poured oil into the pan when I heard my phone ringing in the other room. It was a text message from an unknown number.
The message ended with a wink. Curious, I sat down and replied. After a few exchanges I discovered the ‘texter’ was Dotun the younger brother of one Dr. Eyikimi’s colleagues.
He was being sweet and “Tabby liked very much”. I curled up in the sofa and continued 'texting' forgetting all about the oil I was bleaching in the kitchen.
It was not until Dotun asked if he could come take me out to lunch that I remembered what I left on the burner. Without responding, I threw the phone down and ran to the kitchen. The rest they say is history.
The number was unknown; I picked up the phone and connected the call warily. It was Dotun. He wondered why I didn’t respond to his text. I let out a sign of relief, smiled and shook my head telling him that even if I gave him forty chances to guess, he will not be able to get the reason why. Still shaken from my ordeal, I spoke a little gibberish and made my way to the back to see how much damage had been done to the frying pan (that was one of mother’s favorite frying pans). It was burnt beyond repair I shook my head in disbelief. He made the offer to take me to lunch again, I said sure. Why not? I was not in the mood to risk cooking another frying pan, the bottle of wine might as well stay for another week and I was certain that turning mothers kitchen to ‘the scene of the crime’ was not going to score me any points with either herself or Dr. Dash. I asked him to give me sometime (so I could make an attempt to clean up the mess) and ran to my room to get dressed. When mother and Dr. Eyikimi returned to the house, I was going to be doing a lot of talking. So, it is for the best I went out for lunch and forgot about my worries for as long as I could
- Tabby
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Entry 40
UNCONCERNED
Tabitha Swahita Tahilita, Tabitha Tahilita Swahita, TTS? Nope. TTS is so not me! Sounds like a ‘T- something – T – something ‘syndrome some toxic disease or worse. Tabby is perfect!
I wonder if this entry would smell different or end with a ‘plop’ because of my location. Call me gross, nasty or dirty but I am eighty nine point one percent certain that I wouldn’t be the first to ‘drop’ from this perspective. At one point or the other, certain people have made life changing decisions while in the toilet so blah!
I wasn’t jobless yesterday, I was erm, I was – I was inspired!
I stood in front of the main auditorium and realized that from there, the living quarters for students could be sectioned into four quadrants. The north behind me, the east, the west and “down south”! While considering how far down south could stretch to and if the hostels built by different banks should be added to the south mandate Kufre miraculously appeared in my line of vision!
Not being in the mood to paste a smile on my face and say nice things to him I looked the other way and held my breath praying he would walk away if I didn’t make any sudden move (this trick worked in the past when I bumped into two wicked looking dogs who approached me like they had just concluded the grace before meal) I’d like to say that next I slipped, fell into a hole, hit my head on a broken vodka bottle and passed out only to wake up a few hours later in his arms well taken care of, without a single tell tale scratch and wearing a pretty pink frock but am not that accident prone and pink is not really my color. What really happened was he turned and caught my eyes. For a while we stood holding each others gaze, waiting for who would make the first move. Getting tired of the staring contest, I blinked and made to walk away only to be halted by him calling out my name and taking giant strides towards my direction.
He came to a stop ‘in my face’ wearing this irritatingly cheerful smile that made me want to puke (or clean his teeth with a mechanic’s greasy rag) he apologized for making me wait and for starring at me without speaking saying I looked different. Next he begged me to go with him to the Plaza. I think at that point he read my mind and knew I was going to say no because in the next breath, he swore he would not take no for an answer. We were still standing in front of the auditorium and passersby were nodding approvingly in our direction as if to say “what a cute couple”. I made faces at a few of them, shrugged and said okay.
I hadn’t been to the Plaza in a while so I was a bit surprised to note that during “school hours” the place was bustling with activity (some people really should get a life buh)!
When Kufre didn’t complain when I took my time in ordering my drink (this was new), I asked him about “Bambi” the half Pinocchio girl he left me for. After telling me it was not nice to call people names and asking how I’d feel if I was referred to as Jumbo or Ariel the marine spirit the answer he gave was quite vague something like “words are from alphabets” or so and then turned the conversation around. The idiot that said men love to talk about themselves should be given a solid knock on the center of his or her head! Since I can remember, I have been blessed with males who have turtle butts for mouth; once in, it is difficult to get out and if you attempt to take it by force, you are strictly on your own.
Still at the plaza, I asked for two more straws inserted them into the bottle, sucked my drink noisily and watched the people around me. I saw the girl Ibiela swore was dating her lecturer! She stood at the entrance to the plaza (she was either making or receiving a call). When she was through, she walked into the bar opposite me and was in for a while, coming out finally with a huge plastic bag (maybe it was filled with loads of food; goat pepper soup, peppered chicken, whole goat head? There was an irregular bulge to one side; I wondered what it was hmm a bottle of groundnut as well? It could be that her and the said lecturer were disappearing for the weekend and needed food for the road). I bent my neck continuously like a turkey to see where she went as she walked away from the Plaza; if there was a car waiting for her or if it was the man in question. Kufre was being a spoil sport and refused to share in my speculation. I was enjoying myself but remembered every now and then not to let down my guard. I and Kufre had gone down this road before and to my knowledge Walt Disney was still making cartoons so, there were other Disney characters for him to leave me for. He seemed different though, or maybe it was the new haircut. Whatever it was, I was willing to explore. Besides, Christmas is just next month and it would be nice to get a present from someone at least so why not him!
When I got to my room, Nneka was waiting by my door. The first question she asked was what I was doing with Kufre. I didn’t bother to ask how she knew I was with him (I swear that girl is not of this world). First she gave me a hug, let go then held unto my wrist looked solemnly into my eyes (scaring the sh*t out of me) before saying she cared deeply about me and only wanted what was best for me. She promised me that Kufre was bad news and was only going to hurt me. I eased my hand from her grip and told her thanks for the love but as for me and Kufre we’d just have to see.
Come to think of it, why didn’t I notice then that her talons sorry fingers look like they were painted blood red? Maybe it wasn’t paint, maybe it was blood! She might have gotten a premonition while she separated a suicidal rat from its entrails (that would account for her blood red nails). Wish I had told Kufre that I didn’t think Jumbo was a bad name and Ariel too! She was a princess after all buh, not marine spirit!
Okay, this is awkward. The sink is wet as well as the top of the toilet tank. There is no way am going to drop my note book on either of the surfaces letting it get wet in the process. What’s it with water everywhere?!
Ha! Nice, the tissue on the roll is only enough for one thing.
What to do? What to do? Buh, am Tabby, I’d figure something out.
Oops!
- Tabby
Tabitha Swahita Tahilita, Tabitha Tahilita Swahita, TTS? Nope. TTS is so not me! Sounds like a ‘T- something – T – something ‘syndrome some toxic disease or worse. Tabby is perfect!
I wonder if this entry would smell different or end with a ‘plop’ because of my location. Call me gross, nasty or dirty but I am eighty nine point one percent certain that I wouldn’t be the first to ‘drop’ from this perspective. At one point or the other, certain people have made life changing decisions while in the toilet so blah!
I wasn’t jobless yesterday, I was erm, I was – I was inspired!
I stood in front of the main auditorium and realized that from there, the living quarters for students could be sectioned into four quadrants. The north behind me, the east, the west and “down south”! While considering how far down south could stretch to and if the hostels built by different banks should be added to the south mandate Kufre miraculously appeared in my line of vision!
Not being in the mood to paste a smile on my face and say nice things to him I looked the other way and held my breath praying he would walk away if I didn’t make any sudden move (this trick worked in the past when I bumped into two wicked looking dogs who approached me like they had just concluded the grace before meal) I’d like to say that next I slipped, fell into a hole, hit my head on a broken vodka bottle and passed out only to wake up a few hours later in his arms well taken care of, without a single tell tale scratch and wearing a pretty pink frock but am not that accident prone and pink is not really my color. What really happened was he turned and caught my eyes. For a while we stood holding each others gaze, waiting for who would make the first move. Getting tired of the staring contest, I blinked and made to walk away only to be halted by him calling out my name and taking giant strides towards my direction.
He came to a stop ‘in my face’ wearing this irritatingly cheerful smile that made me want to puke (or clean his teeth with a mechanic’s greasy rag) he apologized for making me wait and for starring at me without speaking saying I looked different. Next he begged me to go with him to the Plaza. I think at that point he read my mind and knew I was going to say no because in the next breath, he swore he would not take no for an answer. We were still standing in front of the auditorium and passersby were nodding approvingly in our direction as if to say “what a cute couple”. I made faces at a few of them, shrugged and said okay.
I hadn’t been to the Plaza in a while so I was a bit surprised to note that during “school hours” the place was bustling with activity (some people really should get a life buh)!
When Kufre didn’t complain when I took my time in ordering my drink (this was new), I asked him about “Bambi” the half Pinocchio girl he left me for. After telling me it was not nice to call people names and asking how I’d feel if I was referred to as Jumbo or Ariel the marine spirit the answer he gave was quite vague something like “words are from alphabets” or so and then turned the conversation around. The idiot that said men love to talk about themselves should be given a solid knock on the center of his or her head! Since I can remember, I have been blessed with males who have turtle butts for mouth; once in, it is difficult to get out and if you attempt to take it by force, you are strictly on your own.
Still at the plaza, I asked for two more straws inserted them into the bottle, sucked my drink noisily and watched the people around me. I saw the girl Ibiela swore was dating her lecturer! She stood at the entrance to the plaza (she was either making or receiving a call). When she was through, she walked into the bar opposite me and was in for a while, coming out finally with a huge plastic bag (maybe it was filled with loads of food; goat pepper soup, peppered chicken, whole goat head? There was an irregular bulge to one side; I wondered what it was hmm a bottle of groundnut as well? It could be that her and the said lecturer were disappearing for the weekend and needed food for the road). I bent my neck continuously like a turkey to see where she went as she walked away from the Plaza; if there was a car waiting for her or if it was the man in question. Kufre was being a spoil sport and refused to share in my speculation. I was enjoying myself but remembered every now and then not to let down my guard. I and Kufre had gone down this road before and to my knowledge Walt Disney was still making cartoons so, there were other Disney characters for him to leave me for. He seemed different though, or maybe it was the new haircut. Whatever it was, I was willing to explore. Besides, Christmas is just next month and it would be nice to get a present from someone at least so why not him!
When I got to my room, Nneka was waiting by my door. The first question she asked was what I was doing with Kufre. I didn’t bother to ask how she knew I was with him (I swear that girl is not of this world). First she gave me a hug, let go then held unto my wrist looked solemnly into my eyes (scaring the sh*t out of me) before saying she cared deeply about me and only wanted what was best for me. She promised me that Kufre was bad news and was only going to hurt me. I eased my hand from her grip and told her thanks for the love but as for me and Kufre we’d just have to see.
Come to think of it, why didn’t I notice then that her talons sorry fingers look like they were painted blood red? Maybe it wasn’t paint, maybe it was blood! She might have gotten a premonition while she separated a suicidal rat from its entrails (that would account for her blood red nails). Wish I had told Kufre that I didn’t think Jumbo was a bad name and Ariel too! She was a princess after all buh, not marine spirit!
Okay, this is awkward. The sink is wet as well as the top of the toilet tank. There is no way am going to drop my note book on either of the surfaces letting it get wet in the process. What’s it with water everywhere?!
Ha! Nice, the tissue on the roll is only enough for one thing.
What to do? What to do? Buh, am Tabby, I’d figure something out.
Oops!
- Tabby
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