Entry 39

UNAPPRECIATED

Arrgh!! Everywhere is wet, slimy and sticky. My room smells like a wet dog covered in a wet blanket lying on a wet mattress and chewing on a stolen wet leather slipper. Buh! Would someone please turn off the rain switch and let the freaking sun come out to play?! It’s at times like this that I blame mother for not getting hitched to some white man and birthing me in a country with four season’s (South Africa, Greenland and Iceland not included). The month of October is supposed to be the start of autumn for crying out loud. All those books she got me with stories of leaves turning brown and shedding their summer clothes should count for something buh. In October, there should be fewer rainy days, things drying up and all that but instead what do I get?

Wet!

Truth be told, if I were honest with myself (given that I am not really a rain and water person), I’d admit that most of my anger with the weather is coming from the fact that Lanre turned out to be a law man worse, not just a regular law man but a yellow fever to boost!
Since when do they recruit nice looking, well spoken and good mannered people into the force? The fairytale way he appeared out of nowhere and assisted me in crossing the road should have been the clue I needed to know that something was up. That he offered to help me carry some of my groceries and talked me into having snacks and a drink is something that would have set off alarm bells if only the darkened clouds overhead was not making me quite an agreeable person in a bid to be out of the way should the rain decide to reign. The fairytale would have been bliss if I did not decide to renounce the expected “African time”, borrow a car and go early for our second “date” serves me right though because my beloved Lanre was just getting off duty decked in his orange shirt and black trousers.
The thought of Nneka pointing her French tipped fingers and laughing at me for dating a “yellow fever” was enough to scare me into pushing Dr. Dash’s car into reverse and backing out of the street before he could spot me. As luck would have it, just when I had gotten to the end of the one way and was about switching to the right side of the road, a yellow fever ran out of G*d knows where and jumped into the car before I had time to hit the locks. He brought along his assistant whom I called Goldilocks under my breath and they had a swell time embarrassing me, making me beg and plead.

An hour, a phone call and five thousand naira later, I was free of them swearing to have my revenge on all members of the Nigerian law enforcement agencies et al (maybe I’d marry a politician and make him pass out a bill or something, hmm).

Walking back to my place in school after I figured nothing could go wrong anymore, the fates waited until I was crossing the road before sending a nice young gentleman in a purple Rav4 jeep to zoom past dousing me with nice, warm and dirty water from the puddle in a pothole. Great, just great! Lucky my lips were closed, set in a straight line from the frown that manifested on my face since I returned Dash’s car after the ‘yellow fever’ incidence (I wonder what they are called in real life, “Fanta police”?) or else the thought of having a little taste of water mixed with the run-off urine passed out by men who hear this call from the great spirit of the outdoors and answer by pissing by the roadside, saliva and catarrh from individuals who aren’t emotionally balanced until they have a little spitting and nose blowing session and all things gross would have sent me straight to paranoia land or a hospital.

Eww! Either a flying snake spat on me or birds have learned a new trick. Buh, there’s another one! Well what do you know! The rain is here again, I have neither a raincoat nor an umbrella. Good thing am heading home already because at this moment, I don’t really care if my day gets any worse. C’mon madam rainfall, hit me with all you’ve got!!

- Tabby