HOME SONG
It began like an apparition then gradually, it became real, and I could feel. I heard him speak, his voice a silent whisper “look at me tabby” he said, “hold me with your eyes.” My mind went blank, I could barely stand. He was on his knees now in front of me, his head bent as though in prayer, touching, stroking, a little at a time, and then more. The throaty moan resounding in my ears probably came from me, I couldn’t care less. All I could do was… feel.
Slowly he stood up, his fingers gradually burning a trail on my skin. He was caressing my arms, causing heat to radiate from places I could barley phantom. I held onto his arms, trying to make sense of what I was saying. “No, no don’t, don’t yes. No, yes, please, oh yes! Please no”. For a brief second, he stopped touching me; I felt a whimper escape my lips. Opening my eyes, I was drawn to his; he was staring at me, with that questioning look, seeking permission to proceed, silently asking if I was sure of what I was doing. Without a word, I stood on my toes and wrapped my hands around him bringing my body to him in offering and gave an answer to the unspoken question. He was calling me again; somehow, his voice didn’t fit our present mood. It was older, stern and disapproving.
“Tabitha, tabby! Young lady, I am talking to you” with a start, I got up.
Day dreaming in class according to the kind Prof. was a behavior that was very “unbecoming”. To the amusement of the class, he asked me to either share the dream with the rest of my colleagues (obviously over my dead body) or do extra assignment.
I chose the latter.
On my way home, I thought of mother.
No matter how far I wander, no matter how fast I run, no matter how hard I try; it always becomes about her. First it was the juggling of the ‘dashes’ next it was battle for her life with breast cancer [really, everyone is at the risk of it and thankfully, early detection does go a long way in preventing it] chemotherapy and radio-treatment (which she is responding very well too), love and support.
Buh, now, it is a brand new story.
Breaking news, I am getting a father!!
How do I feel about this?
Ask me.
For so long, it has been just me and her.
My best friend, my sister and most importantly, mother; my mother. Now, she has someone else in her life, someone ‘probably’ more important than me; A significant other.
When I think about it, I wonder how it all works out.
How is it possible to find and choose someone, one man? From the lot of the “so many fish in the sea” what makes you sure you are not making the ‘greatest’ mistake of your life? What then becomes of you after you make ‘that’ solemn vow to remain faithful, trust, honor and cherish for the rest of your lives? Buh, does making those vows give one certain immunity from temptation, sin and the unmentionable cravings?
All this musings are giving me a headache, but, before I sign out, am making this note to self. What on earth is this new trend and poison “Alomo bitters/ Hausa chewing stick” about? The word “Eferebor” comes to mind! The wise ones once said that “if you do anyhow, you go see anyhow!!”
Well, what do I know? I am just Tabby!!
- Tabby
End of entries 25 – 36
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Entry 35
VOODOO DOLLS II
Revealing all the intimate details is just short of LETTING THE fabled CAT OUT OF THE BAG (I wonder who put it in there in the first place) to remain in focus, I’d make like Hansel and Gretel and leave trails of crumbs bits at a time, until the final event.
They say ice-cream wins the standing award for best comfort food and is the sure means of drowning all and every man-related-sorrows-et-al but, when ice cream is what causes the ‘matters arising’ buh, what gets the position for 1st runner up?
I blame him, no, wait! I blame them. [Long pause then scream] where on earth is that killer doll ‘Chukie’ when you need him?!
So, after the hellish heart breaks and all, I decided I had-had enough and deleted all the ‘toxic male’ contacts from my phone (an act which from now, I seriously advice against, look what happened because I did!) and decided to start afresh. So, when I received the sweetest text message ever from an unknown number claiming upon enquiry to be “a secret admirer” I couldn’t help but feel flattered and encourage the thread.
It wasn’t until after about a week of casual messages, flirting and exchange of smiley’s that the rectangular nut on the left side of my brain clicked into place and it occurred to me to ask; “who is this…”
Enter: the wild card
It was one of those days when I was feeling blue (I performed badly in my test slash project work NNEKA!!) I made up my mind that ice cream, cake and candy would go a long way in adding vibrancy to the dull color of my mood and proceeded to carry out that plan. I choose to go to the restaurant outside of school for the change of scenery. I brought the ice cream successfully alongside the cake. Then on an impulse, I decided to add a bottle of coke to the menu and was struggling to balance holding a now melting cone of ice cream, my purse and the tray containing the cake and coke long enough to reach the nearest empty seat when an idiot chose that moment to turn with the force of Hades and bump into me! Turning my shirt front into a canvas for the finger painting of “Ice cream in pictures!!” To make matters worse, when my head stopped spinning and I realized the ground wouldn’t open and swallow me then and there, I looked up to confront my assailant only to come face to face with him.
I knew the idiot, strike two from my past…
The thing with hooking up with an old flame and letting the fire burn brightly is that, at the back of my head, I know how this particular flame burnt out. The soggy ashes that remained, the choking fumes and the marathon of events that followed.
The only grounds for a rematch should be that both parties are ready to start afresh.
Is he willing to go through the hassle of wooing me once again?
Is he ready to admit to who did what and apologize for those blind stabs which cut deep?
Would he accept my apologies, forgive and be willing to forget?
Seriously, sending Chuckie to deliver a "hand-crafted-message" (if you know what i mean) would seem more likely.
[Why do I keep thinking of Chukie?]
These days, I find myself sensing more of Nneka than I see, am guessing I have been away from church for too long.
The witches hut isn’t so far off anymore, and am not certain how that particular story ended.
To avoid defeat as a result of being caught unawares, I’d ask the basic question. One which when answered would settle a whole lot of confusion and guide me to the straight path of focus that I badly need. One which people should ask themselves every now and then.
A simple question, a question (when answered) that leads to the can-do-coaches; when and how?
One sentence, four words: what do I want?
- Tabby
Revealing all the intimate details is just short of LETTING THE fabled CAT OUT OF THE BAG (I wonder who put it in there in the first place) to remain in focus, I’d make like Hansel and Gretel and leave trails of crumbs bits at a time, until the final event.
They say ice-cream wins the standing award for best comfort food and is the sure means of drowning all and every man-related-sorrows-et-al but, when ice cream is what causes the ‘matters arising’ buh, what gets the position for 1st runner up?
I blame him, no, wait! I blame them. [Long pause then scream] where on earth is that killer doll ‘Chukie’ when you need him?!
So, after the hellish heart breaks and all, I decided I had-had enough and deleted all the ‘toxic male’ contacts from my phone (an act which from now, I seriously advice against, look what happened because I did!) and decided to start afresh. So, when I received the sweetest text message ever from an unknown number claiming upon enquiry to be “a secret admirer” I couldn’t help but feel flattered and encourage the thread.
It wasn’t until after about a week of casual messages, flirting and exchange of smiley’s that the rectangular nut on the left side of my brain clicked into place and it occurred to me to ask; “who is this…”
Enter: the wild card
It was one of those days when I was feeling blue (I performed badly in my test slash project work NNEKA!!) I made up my mind that ice cream, cake and candy would go a long way in adding vibrancy to the dull color of my mood and proceeded to carry out that plan. I choose to go to the restaurant outside of school for the change of scenery. I brought the ice cream successfully alongside the cake. Then on an impulse, I decided to add a bottle of coke to the menu and was struggling to balance holding a now melting cone of ice cream, my purse and the tray containing the cake and coke long enough to reach the nearest empty seat when an idiot chose that moment to turn with the force of Hades and bump into me! Turning my shirt front into a canvas for the finger painting of “Ice cream in pictures!!” To make matters worse, when my head stopped spinning and I realized the ground wouldn’t open and swallow me then and there, I looked up to confront my assailant only to come face to face with him.
I knew the idiot, strike two from my past…
The thing with hooking up with an old flame and letting the fire burn brightly is that, at the back of my head, I know how this particular flame burnt out. The soggy ashes that remained, the choking fumes and the marathon of events that followed.
The only grounds for a rematch should be that both parties are ready to start afresh.
Is he willing to go through the hassle of wooing me once again?
Is he ready to admit to who did what and apologize for those blind stabs which cut deep?
Would he accept my apologies, forgive and be willing to forget?
Seriously, sending Chuckie to deliver a "hand-crafted-message" (if you know what i mean) would seem more likely.
[Why do I keep thinking of Chukie?]
These days, I find myself sensing more of Nneka than I see, am guessing I have been away from church for too long.
The witches hut isn’t so far off anymore, and am not certain how that particular story ended.
To avoid defeat as a result of being caught unawares, I’d ask the basic question. One which when answered would settle a whole lot of confusion and guide me to the straight path of focus that I badly need. One which people should ask themselves every now and then.
A simple question, a question (when answered) that leads to the can-do-coaches; when and how?
One sentence, four words: what do I want?
- Tabby
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