DON’T TOUCH IT!!
Although I get all cute and cuddly looking when I have it still, here lies the undeniable truth; we weren’t meant to be. Me and malaria? I don’t think our relationship would go very far.
It’s a good thing ‘amalar’ hasn’t reached the labs of our ‘industrious brothers’ and still works for me if not, it’s me and Nneka that would have been on the banks of bar-beach by now doing the ‘fire dance’. Why they’d even think of making fake drugs leaves me in a maze of wonder.
When I told Ivy I was taking ‘amalar’ for my malaria, she had this baffled expression and asked if amala was now a medicine and what was in it. Poor baby; she thought I meant the ‘food’ amala; funny!
Would you believe it? When Stanley found out I was sick, he got me a ‘goodie bag’ filled with chocolates, sweets and cookies plus an adorable teddy bear. Isn’t that awesome? Stanley has to be like the best boyfriend in the world!! Geez, I wonder where he has been all my life.
He stayed with me for most of the week and made sure I took all my medication on time (he wouldn’t even let me walk him to the door when he was leaving). He says he wishes he was the one sick and not me. Buh, he is so dreamy. Speaking of drugs, why is it that once someone has head ache and throws up once or twice we all assume its malaria and start self medicating? I believe that there are other (although not so cool) illnesses that manifest the same symptom. Seeing a doctor first before starting treatment gets my vote any day!
I think Stanley feels a bit guilty that am sick (and am doing nothing to ease his mind) because IT IS somehow his fault I mean, he has a car; enough money to spend and all but still, he made me travel to and fro because he was trying to prove a point. It’s the stress of the journey that allowed me to fall ill (I think).
In the bus, there was this girl that was probably in cloud nine because she sat next to a ‘cute bloke’. All the way, she was smiling and chirping like a bird. Once, I felt like using charcoal to color her teeth just so she’d shut up, arrgh!!
Buh, imagine telling a handsome guy old enough to travel on he is own that he is fine?! Duh, he has a mirror, he knows! I pray to G*d he gave her his number else, all her squawking and parroting would have been in vain. Buh, Nneka sent me a get well soon message. Hum… miracles really do happen!
Stanley is at the door, I have to go!
- TABBY
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Entry 18
PANDORA’S BOX AND THE SHADOWS WITHIN
Everywhere was pitch-dark; I blindly searched for my phone and held it in my arms so the ‘real owners’ would not see the ‘sales!’ sign glowing from my bag and make away with it. That I did not have ‘BB’ pin to IM to friends did not mean I loved my humble regular phone any less.
Seated by the bar, I was wondering how on earth at this day and age they still had the heart to be ceasing light... and in a night club for that matter! Which kind temptation be that one? Who would they blame if person come ‘press spoil’? Buh, which way Nigeria, which way my country?!
Some guys were making noise at the far corner away from me trying to make up for the lack of music. I had to smile. I did not hear my phone ring, it was reading and counting by the time I put it to my ear but, once I heard “Tabby cat”, I did not need a caller ID to know who it was at the other end.
All at once, as though a dam had reached its elastic limit and burst open. I was overwhelmed by a flood of emotions. Joy, happiness, relief, anger, doubt, dread and something else, something vague... something I could not place a finger on.
"Caller ID: Max."
Max.
He asked if I was the sexy vixen seated all by myself at the bar. Said he was in town for the wedding of his buddy from secondary school and although he came for the ‘BE’ [the same one I was apparently attending] he was on his way to another venue. He spotted me on his way out of the club, said i was looking as bored as a widow spider listening to a politician campaign and decided to be my prince charming come charging to my rescue! He was waiting for me outside and asked me to come down so we’d run of to somewhere ‘more fun’.
Silly me, without a second thought, I found myself prancing towards the exits of the now lit [thank G*d for NEPA!] club.
When I caught a glimpse of my reflection on the mirrored doors of the entrance to the club, I stopped and turned away.
This was Max, the same Max.
Max that did not call me after all these months, Max that remembered me only when he had a pressing need, Max that believed I was a beautiful masterpiece created by G*d solely to help him with small favors, Max that surely would have heard about my accident and did not deem it fit to call.
Max.
The same Max that slashed open my chest, ripped out my heart and shattered it to a thousand pieces.
The same one that now had me acting like a show horse eager for a blue ribbon from the judges. I’d win it for him if given a chance, I would!
I shook my head to dispel the image of his smiling face from my mind and slowly made my way back into the club.
After a few steps, I stopped again.
If I didn’t see him now, I’d never know for sure. I would forever carry a torch for him with the believe that he is the best thing that ever happened to me.
No, i wouldn’t want that for myself. Whatever happened to my motto: NO REGRETS?
A cat has 9 lives right?
I made a dash for the restroom and studied my reflection in the mirror; perfect! I redid my makeup, brushed my hair and tightened the strings of my halter neck top. Wearing a confident smile, I walked past the glass doors and out of the club. Ready to face the reality of Max and bury this particular demon once and for all!
- TABBY
Everywhere was pitch-dark; I blindly searched for my phone and held it in my arms so the ‘real owners’ would not see the ‘sales!’ sign glowing from my bag and make away with it. That I did not have ‘BB’ pin to IM to friends did not mean I loved my humble regular phone any less.
Seated by the bar, I was wondering how on earth at this day and age they still had the heart to be ceasing light... and in a night club for that matter! Which kind temptation be that one? Who would they blame if person come ‘press spoil’? Buh, which way Nigeria, which way my country?!
Some guys were making noise at the far corner away from me trying to make up for the lack of music. I had to smile. I did not hear my phone ring, it was reading and counting by the time I put it to my ear but, once I heard “Tabby cat”, I did not need a caller ID to know who it was at the other end.
All at once, as though a dam had reached its elastic limit and burst open. I was overwhelmed by a flood of emotions. Joy, happiness, relief, anger, doubt, dread and something else, something vague... something I could not place a finger on.
"Caller ID: Max."
Max.
He asked if I was the sexy vixen seated all by myself at the bar. Said he was in town for the wedding of his buddy from secondary school and although he came for the ‘BE’ [the same one I was apparently attending] he was on his way to another venue. He spotted me on his way out of the club, said i was looking as bored as a widow spider listening to a politician campaign and decided to be my prince charming come charging to my rescue! He was waiting for me outside and asked me to come down so we’d run of to somewhere ‘more fun’.
Silly me, without a second thought, I found myself prancing towards the exits of the now lit [thank G*d for NEPA!] club.
When I caught a glimpse of my reflection on the mirrored doors of the entrance to the club, I stopped and turned away.
This was Max, the same Max.
Max that did not call me after all these months, Max that remembered me only when he had a pressing need, Max that believed I was a beautiful masterpiece created by G*d solely to help him with small favors, Max that surely would have heard about my accident and did not deem it fit to call.
Max.
The same Max that slashed open my chest, ripped out my heart and shattered it to a thousand pieces.
The same one that now had me acting like a show horse eager for a blue ribbon from the judges. I’d win it for him if given a chance, I would!
I shook my head to dispel the image of his smiling face from my mind and slowly made my way back into the club.
After a few steps, I stopped again.
If I didn’t see him now, I’d never know for sure. I would forever carry a torch for him with the believe that he is the best thing that ever happened to me.
No, i wouldn’t want that for myself. Whatever happened to my motto: NO REGRETS?
A cat has 9 lives right?
I made a dash for the restroom and studied my reflection in the mirror; perfect! I redid my makeup, brushed my hair and tightened the strings of my halter neck top. Wearing a confident smile, I walked past the glass doors and out of the club. Ready to face the reality of Max and bury this particular demon once and for all!
- TABBY
Friday, May 21, 2010
Entry 04
YOU TARZAN, ME RUN!!
To be honest with myself, if I were to plead my case in a court of law I’d take partial blame because as a matter of fact, I was jobless too but first,the judge? he’d have to hear me out;
There I was reading my books in a very uncomfortable but well lighted corner in class. It was 10:45pm, almost an hour since I had been at it when a curious gentleman seated in my front caught my attention. I decided to watch him for a while and would you believe it? After about 30 minutes or there about, he would stop reading, take out a pink comb from his pocket and comb his hair both ways. Always starting from the right and moving to the left. After he was through grooming, he would twirl his pen in the air for about 20 seconds before dropping it and resuming his reading. I don’t know if it was Nneka’s people of darkness that pushed me to action or if it was the joblessness itself but whatever it was, I found myself leaning forward to ask him 'how far' when he followed the same procedure for the 4th time in a row. As he turned to speak to me, I was over whelmed by the sudden urge to cry. My eyes filled with tears and at the same time, I wanted to puke his breath was bad as in bad!! Whether it was body odor or bad breath, i didn't want to know!! Men, who send me message?
I wove my hand and shook my head at him with the hope that he’d think I mistook him for someone I knew and ran out of the class, watery eyes and all.
When I returned, there was a student (...or man pretending to be a student; I can’t say if he was under the influence or not) in front of the class preaching.
i went to my seat and tried to resume my quest for higher knowledge. Buh! There I was red-eyed, battling sleep and struggling to read and this inconsiderate being was shouting at the top of his voice that hell was near.
I remember somewhere in the bible, there is a passage about there being a time for everything. So, him consuming my reading time and me praying to God for understanding; which of us was closer to hells gate? (Nneka could be the judge of that).
After 30 minutes of systems shutdown with no backup in sight. I packed my notes and padded off to the female hostel. I decided to sleep with my girlfriend Ivy tonight.
At the car park, there were still cars littered about; talk about oppressors! I was tempted to go and place my head on the glass of one of the tinted cars to see just what was so important that they couldn’t wait till dawn. Before I could give into my impulsive spirit, Ivy wandered outside and spotted me.
Hum… I guess now would be a good time to tell her about Thomas [well, the edited version of course!]
- TABBY
To be honest with myself, if I were to plead my case in a court of law I’d take partial blame because as a matter of fact, I was jobless too but first,the judge? he’d have to hear me out;
There I was reading my books in a very uncomfortable but well lighted corner in class. It was 10:45pm, almost an hour since I had been at it when a curious gentleman seated in my front caught my attention. I decided to watch him for a while and would you believe it? After about 30 minutes or there about, he would stop reading, take out a pink comb from his pocket and comb his hair both ways. Always starting from the right and moving to the left. After he was through grooming, he would twirl his pen in the air for about 20 seconds before dropping it and resuming his reading. I don’t know if it was Nneka’s people of darkness that pushed me to action or if it was the joblessness itself but whatever it was, I found myself leaning forward to ask him 'how far' when he followed the same procedure for the 4th time in a row. As he turned to speak to me, I was over whelmed by the sudden urge to cry. My eyes filled with tears and at the same time, I wanted to puke his breath was bad as in bad!! Whether it was body odor or bad breath, i didn't want to know!! Men, who send me message?
I wove my hand and shook my head at him with the hope that he’d think I mistook him for someone I knew and ran out of the class, watery eyes and all.
When I returned, there was a student (...or man pretending to be a student; I can’t say if he was under the influence or not) in front of the class preaching.
i went to my seat and tried to resume my quest for higher knowledge. Buh! There I was red-eyed, battling sleep and struggling to read and this inconsiderate being was shouting at the top of his voice that hell was near.
I remember somewhere in the bible, there is a passage about there being a time for everything. So, him consuming my reading time and me praying to God for understanding; which of us was closer to hells gate? (Nneka could be the judge of that).
After 30 minutes of systems shutdown with no backup in sight. I packed my notes and padded off to the female hostel. I decided to sleep with my girlfriend Ivy tonight.
At the car park, there were still cars littered about; talk about oppressors! I was tempted to go and place my head on the glass of one of the tinted cars to see just what was so important that they couldn’t wait till dawn. Before I could give into my impulsive spirit, Ivy wandered outside and spotted me.
Hum… I guess now would be a good time to tell her about Thomas [well, the edited version of course!]
- TABBY
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Entry 05
WAKA DUKPE
Hi MTV! I am Swahita and this? This? This is definitely not my crib!! When the bus company advertised that their vehicles were the best choice to ‘travel in style’, I should have asked them to be a wee bit more specific. Buh, as uncomfortable as I am, I really don’t mind because why? I am in love!! This time, it’s different, it’s not like the time I was considering murdering someone’s aunty slash wife or wondering when the ‘second shoe would drop’. This time, I feel I feel…
as light as air! I feel like Mary Poppins dolling out spoonfuls of sugar, I feel like a politician going home with a Ghana-must-go-bag of money for seating in a very important meeting about nothing, I feel like the ‘Sylvester’ that got ‘tweety’.
I want to burst into song, I feel so la-la-la… gosh! I have never been happier. A passerby would mistake me for a woman that had been searching for a child for the past 12 years only to be told now that I am four months pregnant with triplets
(Even better than that).
His blessed and holy name is...
Max.
(If I were starring in an Indian movie, now would be a good time to break into a dance sequence).
Max, Max, Max. I looked at my wristwatch and counted; 2 hours, 30 minutes and 45 seconds.
I had been away from Max for that long only 2 hours yet it felt like longer. Max and I? here’s our magical story.
Once upon a time, there was a she-demon called Nneka, who also happened to pretend to be my friend sometimes, when she wasn’t possessed by the spirits of the outer realm, she was nice to me this story took place on one of such days...
Nneka was going for a show in Lagos sponsored by one of her oppressors, not wanting to leave me alone (so she could keep an eye on me) she invited me to tag along. Me as boring a human as I am and not having anything better to do decided to follow. [Of course we went via air; Nneka wouldn’t have it any other way]. It was my first time flying. After I got over my fear that we were going to crash, burn and die, I actually enjoyed the flight. On getting to Lagos, I was introduced to her latest ‘boyfriend’ and also his ‘associate’ I should have guessed (Nneka also doubled as a pimp). I decided to play along for a while and actually enjoyed the show. It was when I got fed up with the ‘associate’ calling me baby and asking how soon we could “leave here and go some place more private” that I offered to up and buy more drinks for myself and Nneka that I met him or more like bumped into him. I spilled half the contents of my drink on him and instead of me to apologize; I stood there gawking at him like he was the present Mr. President dancing on a pole at some exotic night club. He was unbelievably handsome (and I swear I could hear music playing from a distance). Whatever was on his mind, am not sure it was the same thought that was in my head next thing I knew, I was being dragged out of the arena by my elbow holding two paper cups of drink. I wonder how I must have looked but, funny enough, I didn’t struggle. To cut the long story short. The dude that dragged me out was Max, he thought I was his sick niece that he lost in the arena and he was taking me home. After exchanging apologies, (me for the spill, and him for the drag) I offered to help him look for her. We found her in the ladies toilet; she bore a striking resemblance to me and incidentally, we wore similar outfits but there was the obvious height difference (age too) how he missed that? I do not know. We finished the rest of the show together, Nneka’s drink forgotten; we sat in each other’s embrace like an old married couple. Max is the funniest, darkest, sweetest and craziest of guys I have met in my 21 years of life! Nneka and I were to stay in Lag. For 3 days, but by day two, I got fed up with her and her various sweaty palmed, almost bald headed RMD wanna be’s I told her I was going back to school, packed my things and moved in with Max it was the best one night slash day of my life and his 9 year niece turned out to be an interesting hostess. The end!! wait, i forgot... and they lived happily ever after. The End!!!
So, MTV, as rickety as the bus is, the cramp slowly climbing up my leg and filling me with the feeling that soon I would be a crippled wanderer doesn’t make me worry. Rather, it feels like the clutches of the wicked step mother dragging me away from my true love after the poisoned apple failed to work [romantic isn’t it?] it is one small price to pay because I know soon, me and Max would be reunited once more.
Oh and Nneka called to tell me she had added a day to her trip. The she left the man she was with and ‘upgraded’ to a better ‘Maga’ I don’t think me seated in the tightly packed bus would be a good venue to school and educate her on HIV, STD’s and the benefits of a one man one woman relationship (maybe there is an exception for hell spawns) buh, whatever! At the moment, all I care about is my dearly beloved.
- TABBY
Hi MTV! I am Swahita and this? This? This is definitely not my crib!! When the bus company advertised that their vehicles were the best choice to ‘travel in style’, I should have asked them to be a wee bit more specific. Buh, as uncomfortable as I am, I really don’t mind because why? I am in love!! This time, it’s different, it’s not like the time I was considering murdering someone’s aunty slash wife or wondering when the ‘second shoe would drop’. This time, I feel I feel…
as light as air! I feel like Mary Poppins dolling out spoonfuls of sugar, I feel like a politician going home with a Ghana-must-go-bag of money for seating in a very important meeting about nothing, I feel like the ‘Sylvester’ that got ‘tweety’.
I want to burst into song, I feel so la-la-la… gosh! I have never been happier. A passerby would mistake me for a woman that had been searching for a child for the past 12 years only to be told now that I am four months pregnant with triplets
(Even better than that).
His blessed and holy name is...
Max.
(If I were starring in an Indian movie, now would be a good time to break into a dance sequence).
Max, Max, Max. I looked at my wristwatch and counted; 2 hours, 30 minutes and 45 seconds.
I had been away from Max for that long only 2 hours yet it felt like longer. Max and I? here’s our magical story.
Once upon a time, there was a she-demon called Nneka, who also happened to pretend to be my friend sometimes, when she wasn’t possessed by the spirits of the outer realm, she was nice to me this story took place on one of such days...
Nneka was going for a show in Lagos sponsored by one of her oppressors, not wanting to leave me alone (so she could keep an eye on me) she invited me to tag along. Me as boring a human as I am and not having anything better to do decided to follow. [Of course we went via air; Nneka wouldn’t have it any other way]. It was my first time flying. After I got over my fear that we were going to crash, burn and die, I actually enjoyed the flight. On getting to Lagos, I was introduced to her latest ‘boyfriend’ and also his ‘associate’ I should have guessed (Nneka also doubled as a pimp). I decided to play along for a while and actually enjoyed the show. It was when I got fed up with the ‘associate’ calling me baby and asking how soon we could “leave here and go some place more private” that I offered to up and buy more drinks for myself and Nneka that I met him or more like bumped into him. I spilled half the contents of my drink on him and instead of me to apologize; I stood there gawking at him like he was the present Mr. President dancing on a pole at some exotic night club. He was unbelievably handsome (and I swear I could hear music playing from a distance). Whatever was on his mind, am not sure it was the same thought that was in my head next thing I knew, I was being dragged out of the arena by my elbow holding two paper cups of drink. I wonder how I must have looked but, funny enough, I didn’t struggle. To cut the long story short. The dude that dragged me out was Max, he thought I was his sick niece that he lost in the arena and he was taking me home. After exchanging apologies, (me for the spill, and him for the drag) I offered to help him look for her. We found her in the ladies toilet; she bore a striking resemblance to me and incidentally, we wore similar outfits but there was the obvious height difference (age too) how he missed that? I do not know. We finished the rest of the show together, Nneka’s drink forgotten; we sat in each other’s embrace like an old married couple. Max is the funniest, darkest, sweetest and craziest of guys I have met in my 21 years of life! Nneka and I were to stay in Lag. For 3 days, but by day two, I got fed up with her and her various sweaty palmed, almost bald headed RMD wanna be’s I told her I was going back to school, packed my things and moved in with Max it was the best one night slash day of my life and his 9 year niece turned out to be an interesting hostess. The end!! wait, i forgot... and they lived happily ever after. The End!!!
So, MTV, as rickety as the bus is, the cramp slowly climbing up my leg and filling me with the feeling that soon I would be a crippled wanderer doesn’t make me worry. Rather, it feels like the clutches of the wicked step mother dragging me away from my true love after the poisoned apple failed to work [romantic isn’t it?] it is one small price to pay because I know soon, me and Max would be reunited once more.
Oh and Nneka called to tell me she had added a day to her trip. The she left the man she was with and ‘upgraded’ to a better ‘Maga’ I don’t think me seated in the tightly packed bus would be a good venue to school and educate her on HIV, STD’s and the benefits of a one man one woman relationship (maybe there is an exception for hell spawns) buh, whatever! At the moment, all I care about is my dearly beloved.
- TABBY
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Entry 02
HUM TUM (YOU AND I)
So what?! I lied. Everybody lies. I don’t know what brought up the discussion or how Dr. Dash and Kufre became fasts friends but, whatever the reason, somehow, my age came up during their conversation although he didn’t correct him or anything (score one for the doctor), after Kufre left, Dash reported me to mother who in turn asked me why I was lying about my age. I didn’t give her any answer. First, I don’t know how it concerns them or if my actual age would reduce the price of rice in the market/ heal Mr. President buh! Whatever their reason, if they are not selling, I wouldn’t by. My age is mine 24, 18 or 21 its mine to do with as I please. hum they should be happy I increased the age. I know one or more women who reduce their ages on a regular basis and let’s not forget footballers, football age? buh!!
So, Kufre and I went to hang out at the plaza I can’t remember what it was that brought up the fight between us but, I remember that it wasn’t my fault. By the time we arrived at campus, I told Kufre that I wasn’t going to sleep at either my place or his place; I said I was going to the girl’s hostel to hang out. He was like, I was still mad at him but I told him I wasn’t I just wasn’t feeling him at that moment. Besides, every now and then, a girl needed her space. I can’t remember where I read or heard it [probably one of those Christian magazines] but, they said that a girl should learn how to differentiate between her husband and her boyfriend. So, after stopping briefly at my room to grab my toothbrush and change of clothes, I made my way to the hostel. On my way, I spotted Nneka [I hope she didn’t see me though] she was seated in the back seat of a ‘discussion continues’ Honda. I guess she was going for her one of her many weekend rendezvous [her and her numerous ‘oppressors’]. I got to the hostel and made my way to my friend Ivy’s room. Along the way, I reviewed the rules for surviving in the hostel. One; never walk close to the edge of the passage because if anything from the higher blocks should fall on you, you have yourself to blame. Two; as pretty as they may look, do not touch flowers, shrubs or tree branches that do not go past your waist because after dark, they make nice spots for taking a leak/ pissing and finally three; if from 9pm, you see varied assortment of naked female body’s lined on the passage hurriedly taking their bath, do not ask why; the bathroom is believed to carry diseases so, there is no way u’d expect a future mother of nations and wife of husbands to bath there and pick up some alien life form. Ivy was in the room!! After exchange pleasantries, I sat on her bunk while she made noodles for me. From the next room, I could over hear a quarrel that was taking place. Corner ‘a’ girl had snatched corner ‘b’ girls boyfriend and corner ‘b’ girl was saying it was payback for when corner ‘a’ girl stole her sugar daddy. There was more shouting and then other voices joined the fight. I looked at my wristwatch and gasped. How time flies! It was a few minutes to ten. Ivy had run out of pure water and if I didn’t hurry, the small shop in the hostel ‘common room’ would close for the day. I grabbed a handful of change and raced out of ivy’s room, past the quarreling roommates and towards the direction of the ‘common room’. Too late! As I approached, the cute but smallish looking guy that insisted I call him ‘sweetheart’ (he was in charge of the ‘common room’ shop) was locking the door to the shop. I dodged away before I was spotted by him that I told him ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ on more occasions than I pleased did not mean I was shopping for ‘little people’ to love. The shop was closed so, I’d have to go out of the hostel to the one of the ‘table display’ shopping centers. No problem. I strolled out of the hostel and walked in that direction. Luckily, they hadn’t closed so; I got water, onions and some biscuits and went back to the hostel. Proceeding to ivy’s room, I noticed some girls in the volley ball court that weren’t there before. Two were holding unto the next and shaking in prayer on was rolling on the floor another stood over her like she was in the process of exorcising her while the last sat on the floor, legs spread in front of her with her hands on her head. My first thought was to take a picture of the scene but a little voice told me not to, who knows if it was really ‘exorcism’ they were doing, the ‘thing’ could pass through the camera lens and jump into my body. I knew neither I nor my beloved boyfriend Kufre would approve of that. I continued my journey until once again I was seated on ivy’s buck. The quarrel in the next room had taken a different tone. Also the voices were different this time, the issue was that there was a suspected witch in the room and if she wasn’t scared, she should let them use a stick of broom to flog her. I folded my hands under my head and leaned back on the bed. Whoever said life in the hostel was boring and monotonous?
- TABBY
So what?! I lied. Everybody lies. I don’t know what brought up the discussion or how Dr. Dash and Kufre became fasts friends but, whatever the reason, somehow, my age came up during their conversation although he didn’t correct him or anything (score one for the doctor), after Kufre left, Dash reported me to mother who in turn asked me why I was lying about my age. I didn’t give her any answer. First, I don’t know how it concerns them or if my actual age would reduce the price of rice in the market/ heal Mr. President buh! Whatever their reason, if they are not selling, I wouldn’t by. My age is mine 24, 18 or 21 its mine to do with as I please. hum they should be happy I increased the age. I know one or more women who reduce their ages on a regular basis and let’s not forget footballers, football age? buh!!
So, Kufre and I went to hang out at the plaza I can’t remember what it was that brought up the fight between us but, I remember that it wasn’t my fault. By the time we arrived at campus, I told Kufre that I wasn’t going to sleep at either my place or his place; I said I was going to the girl’s hostel to hang out. He was like, I was still mad at him but I told him I wasn’t I just wasn’t feeling him at that moment. Besides, every now and then, a girl needed her space. I can’t remember where I read or heard it [probably one of those Christian magazines] but, they said that a girl should learn how to differentiate between her husband and her boyfriend. So, after stopping briefly at my room to grab my toothbrush and change of clothes, I made my way to the hostel. On my way, I spotted Nneka [I hope she didn’t see me though] she was seated in the back seat of a ‘discussion continues’ Honda. I guess she was going for her one of her many weekend rendezvous [her and her numerous ‘oppressors’]. I got to the hostel and made my way to my friend Ivy’s room. Along the way, I reviewed the rules for surviving in the hostel. One; never walk close to the edge of the passage because if anything from the higher blocks should fall on you, you have yourself to blame. Two; as pretty as they may look, do not touch flowers, shrubs or tree branches that do not go past your waist because after dark, they make nice spots for taking a leak/ pissing and finally three; if from 9pm, you see varied assortment of naked female body’s lined on the passage hurriedly taking their bath, do not ask why; the bathroom is believed to carry diseases so, there is no way u’d expect a future mother of nations and wife of husbands to bath there and pick up some alien life form. Ivy was in the room!! After exchange pleasantries, I sat on her bunk while she made noodles for me. From the next room, I could over hear a quarrel that was taking place. Corner ‘a’ girl had snatched corner ‘b’ girls boyfriend and corner ‘b’ girl was saying it was payback for when corner ‘a’ girl stole her sugar daddy. There was more shouting and then other voices joined the fight. I looked at my wristwatch and gasped. How time flies! It was a few minutes to ten. Ivy had run out of pure water and if I didn’t hurry, the small shop in the hostel ‘common room’ would close for the day. I grabbed a handful of change and raced out of ivy’s room, past the quarreling roommates and towards the direction of the ‘common room’. Too late! As I approached, the cute but smallish looking guy that insisted I call him ‘sweetheart’ (he was in charge of the ‘common room’ shop) was locking the door to the shop. I dodged away before I was spotted by him that I told him ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ on more occasions than I pleased did not mean I was shopping for ‘little people’ to love. The shop was closed so, I’d have to go out of the hostel to the one of the ‘table display’ shopping centers. No problem. I strolled out of the hostel and walked in that direction. Luckily, they hadn’t closed so; I got water, onions and some biscuits and went back to the hostel. Proceeding to ivy’s room, I noticed some girls in the volley ball court that weren’t there before. Two were holding unto the next and shaking in prayer on was rolling on the floor another stood over her like she was in the process of exorcising her while the last sat on the floor, legs spread in front of her with her hands on her head. My first thought was to take a picture of the scene but a little voice told me not to, who knows if it was really ‘exorcism’ they were doing, the ‘thing’ could pass through the camera lens and jump into my body. I knew neither I nor my beloved boyfriend Kufre would approve of that. I continued my journey until once again I was seated on ivy’s buck. The quarrel in the next room had taken a different tone. Also the voices were different this time, the issue was that there was a suspected witch in the room and if she wasn’t scared, she should let them use a stick of broom to flog her. I folded my hands under my head and leaned back on the bed. Whoever said life in the hostel was boring and monotonous?
- TABBY
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Entry 15
DREAMS
See me see wahala o! Wetin concern 'agbero' with over load? [Well, that is aside from the fact that the 'agbero' would still be the one to carry the ‘overload’ a fact which would and SHOULD affect the overall price for work done]
Still, since when did prayer meeting become a place to pick up girls and meet eligible bachelors?
Hello, worshiping G*d here?
I mean, at first, it was cute that them yahoo boys and cultist had surrendered their arms and sought the face of G*d but when grand mistress Nneka almost broke down my room door with the warning that I should tell my so called Christian sister to stay clear of her boyfriend else there’d be hell to pay I decided to sit up.
It occurred to me that my bible hugging tree buddies were not what they appeared to be.
Fanatics isn’t a word am too comfortable using.
...Because brother Simon never saw me at fellowship, he concluded I was a ‘worldly’ girl and made it a point of duty to do a special prayer session with the intention that my soul return to G*d.
...Sister Nwaka always preached to me about being my brother’s keeper yet she stood back and watched while my science project got soaked and destroyed by the rain. When I confronted her, she said she was praying at that moment besides, G*d probably had a reason for destroying my project.
It took all I had to stop me from hitting her over the head with the prayer book she was studying and throttling her there and then.
G*d had a reason for destroying my 5,000 Naira project which I begged her to watch for me? Buh!
I believe in G*d, he died for me, he loves me unconditionally a privilege I DO NOT THINK I deserve but still, he continues to bless me.
[ I was in a bus that ‘flew’ for crying out loud!]
I am alive today not by my doing but by the power of a being greater than I.
When ‘these people’ put on airs and nasty attitudes in the name of being part of the chosen tribe of heaven, it gets me so mad.
Buh, what makes them so different from the priest and Levite that had left the Jewish trader to die save for the Good Samaritan who turned the other cheek and bent to help?
Buh, this is me signing out of this foolish game of charades.
Buh, maybe I’d talk to Nneka about the idea and start my own church sef!
Now, I have to run else, I’d be late for choir practice!!
- TABBY
See me see wahala o! Wetin concern 'agbero' with over load? [Well, that is aside from the fact that the 'agbero' would still be the one to carry the ‘overload’ a fact which would and SHOULD affect the overall price for work done]
Still, since when did prayer meeting become a place to pick up girls and meet eligible bachelors?
Hello, worshiping G*d here?
I mean, at first, it was cute that them yahoo boys and cultist had surrendered their arms and sought the face of G*d but when grand mistress Nneka almost broke down my room door with the warning that I should tell my so called Christian sister to stay clear of her boyfriend else there’d be hell to pay I decided to sit up.
It occurred to me that my bible hugging tree buddies were not what they appeared to be.
Fanatics isn’t a word am too comfortable using.
...Because brother Simon never saw me at fellowship, he concluded I was a ‘worldly’ girl and made it a point of duty to do a special prayer session with the intention that my soul return to G*d.
...Sister Nwaka always preached to me about being my brother’s keeper yet she stood back and watched while my science project got soaked and destroyed by the rain. When I confronted her, she said she was praying at that moment besides, G*d probably had a reason for destroying my project.
It took all I had to stop me from hitting her over the head with the prayer book she was studying and throttling her there and then.
G*d had a reason for destroying my 5,000 Naira project which I begged her to watch for me? Buh!
I believe in G*d, he died for me, he loves me unconditionally a privilege I DO NOT THINK I deserve but still, he continues to bless me.
[ I was in a bus that ‘flew’ for crying out loud!]
I am alive today not by my doing but by the power of a being greater than I.
When ‘these people’ put on airs and nasty attitudes in the name of being part of the chosen tribe of heaven, it gets me so mad.
Buh, what makes them so different from the priest and Levite that had left the Jewish trader to die save for the Good Samaritan who turned the other cheek and bent to help?
Buh, this is me signing out of this foolish game of charades.
Buh, maybe I’d talk to Nneka about the idea and start my own church sef!
Now, I have to run else, I’d be late for choir practice!!
- TABBY
Monday, May 17, 2010
Entry 03
PANDORA’S BOX AND THE ROAD TO HELL
Oh my G*d, Oh my G*d, Oh my G*d, Oh my G*d, Oh my G*d, oh my frigging G*d!!! I am so going to hell! I am in love with a married man. Aside from the obvious reason [it being that Mr. X is married], Kufre and I are technically not ‘going out’ anymore (I heard that he is ‘now dating’ bambi crossed with Pinocchio that got turned into a real- would you believe it? Girl! Obviously she has a given name but, who cares? Hope they live happily ever after and the ‘blue fairy’ doesn’t turn out to be the big bad wolf) so, me thinking that his uncle and I would make the next Hollywood power couple [something like Jay-z and Beyonce ] is not considered ‘cheating’ right? Buh, it’s not like I spend my free time setting snares for married men and making rounds to check the traps or something like that o! This one happened in a perfectly innocent manner. This one was more like fate. Brief history; when Kufre and I were still o so, madly in love and dating, naturally, I went with him for his cousins baby’s first birthday bash and decided to help with organization and stuffs. There were so many gbo-gbo ‘bigs’ boys and girls that I had to remind myself on countless occasions that this was a baby’s birthday and not some 9ja’s celebrity album lunch [I doubt even those events were as star studded as the bash]. While serving food and drinks, I remember giving my cell number to a couple of people; some liked the way I handled things while others loved my outfit in general, they were hoping I was for hire buh, and blah-blah. I gave my number to a particular ‘Tom’ that I didn’t fancy at all what can I say, he wore good shoes, I guess I can’t have them all. I forgot about most of the events of the party until a few weeks afterward when I got a call from ‘Tom’ although I was so not interested, I humored him and responded politely to the regular ‘how are you’, ‘how are your studies’ and ‘how are your parents’ question. It was last week when I received notification via the world wide gossip machine Ibiela [gosh that girl is good] that my boyfriend Kufre was presently dating Bambi that I got the call that opened hells gate. It was from ‘Tom’ he was like he was in town, he was around for a meeting the following day and could I please join him for a drink? Sad as I was that my boyfriend preferred 4 legs over two, I agreed to see him but, carried enough money on me because I wasn’t sure that ‘Tom’ with the good shoes could afford to transport me or buy me dinner. On getting to the hotel, I called him to come out and pick me (there was no way I’da gone in to meet him, I’m no h*oker!) a dude I recalled slightly but couldn’t place a finger on where I met him came out of the hotel and was looking around like he was expecting someone. I ignored him and continued to dial ‘Tom’s’ number. It was when ‘Tom’ answered at the same time that the dude did that my heart did a cart-wheel and jumped into my mouth. The dude out there wasn’t Tom with the good shoes! That man was none other than Engineer Thomas Momoh CEO of AGFA constructions, Kufre’s uncle, his mother’s sister’s husband to be precise! I thought of hiding under the dash board until he went back into the hotel then tell the driver to take me back to school but, I changed my mind. What the heck! He was the one that invited me in the first place. I moved out of the car. The dress I wore suddenly felt too skimpy. Luckily, I brought along a jacket (cab drivers tend to leave their A/C’s on super-freeze-a-human-to-stiff-turkey cold. Why? I wonder) I pulled on the jacket and walked up to him. Dressed in safari shorts, a loose tee with a rubber but obviously expensive sports wrist watch on his left wrist, he was the personification of sin. I said to myself “down Tabby, Tabby be good” before proceeding to speak. Luckily, my voice didn’t come out like the squeak I feared it would when I spoke to him. Tom [now corrected to Thomas] led me to the bar of the hotel. Like he had requested, we had a couple of drinks and talked about things other than the weather but, he kept on commenting on how fun I was to be with and asking when I’d be through with the semester. Buh, if not for the well worn gold ring winking at me from his ring finger, I would have said to him scr*w school mister, take me to where you please! Luckily, there was the ring. On my way home, I considered the advantages of Christianity over polygamy and wondered if when I had the intention if being his wife number two it would still be a sin to pine for him. Maybe, if I poisoned his wife with cyanide or mercury, he’d turn to me for comfort. (G*d help me! See the kinds of thoughts I am having!!) When I was back in my room, I thought of Kufre and Bambi if I were to go to hell, they’d definitely be in the same cabin as me because my meeting Thomas was all their fault! Oh and before I forget, Thomas gave me enough money to cover my cab fair, have dinner for a week and some more for a round trip flight ticket in case I decided to join him for another round of drinks in…. guess where? ABUJA!!
- TABBY
Oh my G*d, Oh my G*d, Oh my G*d, Oh my G*d, Oh my G*d, oh my frigging G*d!!! I am so going to hell! I am in love with a married man. Aside from the obvious reason [it being that Mr. X is married], Kufre and I are technically not ‘going out’ anymore (I heard that he is ‘now dating’ bambi crossed with Pinocchio that got turned into a real- would you believe it? Girl! Obviously she has a given name but, who cares? Hope they live happily ever after and the ‘blue fairy’ doesn’t turn out to be the big bad wolf) so, me thinking that his uncle and I would make the next Hollywood power couple [something like Jay-z and Beyonce ] is not considered ‘cheating’ right? Buh, it’s not like I spend my free time setting snares for married men and making rounds to check the traps or something like that o! This one happened in a perfectly innocent manner. This one was more like fate. Brief history; when Kufre and I were still o so, madly in love and dating, naturally, I went with him for his cousins baby’s first birthday bash and decided to help with organization and stuffs. There were so many gbo-gbo ‘bigs’ boys and girls that I had to remind myself on countless occasions that this was a baby’s birthday and not some 9ja’s celebrity album lunch [I doubt even those events were as star studded as the bash]. While serving food and drinks, I remember giving my cell number to a couple of people; some liked the way I handled things while others loved my outfit in general, they were hoping I was for hire buh, and blah-blah. I gave my number to a particular ‘Tom’ that I didn’t fancy at all what can I say, he wore good shoes, I guess I can’t have them all. I forgot about most of the events of the party until a few weeks afterward when I got a call from ‘Tom’ although I was so not interested, I humored him and responded politely to the regular ‘how are you’, ‘how are your studies’ and ‘how are your parents’ question. It was last week when I received notification via the world wide gossip machine Ibiela [gosh that girl is good] that my boyfriend Kufre was presently dating Bambi that I got the call that opened hells gate. It was from ‘Tom’ he was like he was in town, he was around for a meeting the following day and could I please join him for a drink? Sad as I was that my boyfriend preferred 4 legs over two, I agreed to see him but, carried enough money on me because I wasn’t sure that ‘Tom’ with the good shoes could afford to transport me or buy me dinner. On getting to the hotel, I called him to come out and pick me (there was no way I’da gone in to meet him, I’m no h*oker!) a dude I recalled slightly but couldn’t place a finger on where I met him came out of the hotel and was looking around like he was expecting someone. I ignored him and continued to dial ‘Tom’s’ number. It was when ‘Tom’ answered at the same time that the dude did that my heart did a cart-wheel and jumped into my mouth. The dude out there wasn’t Tom with the good shoes! That man was none other than Engineer Thomas Momoh CEO of AGFA constructions, Kufre’s uncle, his mother’s sister’s husband to be precise! I thought of hiding under the dash board until he went back into the hotel then tell the driver to take me back to school but, I changed my mind. What the heck! He was the one that invited me in the first place. I moved out of the car. The dress I wore suddenly felt too skimpy. Luckily, I brought along a jacket (cab drivers tend to leave their A/C’s on super-freeze-a-human-to-stiff-turkey cold. Why? I wonder) I pulled on the jacket and walked up to him. Dressed in safari shorts, a loose tee with a rubber but obviously expensive sports wrist watch on his left wrist, he was the personification of sin. I said to myself “down Tabby, Tabby be good” before proceeding to speak. Luckily, my voice didn’t come out like the squeak I feared it would when I spoke to him. Tom [now corrected to Thomas] led me to the bar of the hotel. Like he had requested, we had a couple of drinks and talked about things other than the weather but, he kept on commenting on how fun I was to be with and asking when I’d be through with the semester. Buh, if not for the well worn gold ring winking at me from his ring finger, I would have said to him scr*w school mister, take me to where you please! Luckily, there was the ring. On my way home, I considered the advantages of Christianity over polygamy and wondered if when I had the intention if being his wife number two it would still be a sin to pine for him. Maybe, if I poisoned his wife with cyanide or mercury, he’d turn to me for comfort. (G*d help me! See the kinds of thoughts I am having!!) When I was back in my room, I thought of Kufre and Bambi if I were to go to hell, they’d definitely be in the same cabin as me because my meeting Thomas was all their fault! Oh and before I forget, Thomas gave me enough money to cover my cab fair, have dinner for a week and some more for a round trip flight ticket in case I decided to join him for another round of drinks in…. guess where? ABUJA!!
- TABBY
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Entry 11
THE RETURN OF MAX
So there I was standing in the middle of the road feeling very foolish. Chief Amadi’s colleague had whisked him away. He followed without even stopping to think “oh what would poor Tabby do out there on her own” instead, he was hopping along like a bunny chasing poisoned carrot, not even a backwards glance! Buh! I know this would be the last time chief what’s his name would have the opportunity, no scratch that! make it privilege. This is the last time that coconut headed chief would have the privilege of walking beside the Most Beautiful Girl on Campus! Can you imagine? If it is that easy to win the title, let him carry his daughter and put on the catwalk now! I turned away and walked in the other direction, away from the spot where I was jilted as I did a semi-jog; I wondered when my branded car was going to be given to me. It was because of the frigging car I entered into the competition in the first place. I jumped out of my 3rd and 4th life when a taxi driver high on kparaga missed sweeping me off my feet by inches. God forbid bad thing! That was not now I imagined I’d go. When the mad man was gone, I looked up, to make sure it wasn’t the invasion of little demons on Nneka’s payroll and who did I see? Seated in a brand new Mercedes jeep, looking like he was torn out of the center fold of a Cosmo magazine was Max. My heart stopped for a second, I lost life number 2. What was he doing on campus? He was supposed to be at the other side of the country; he didn’t strike me as the type to grace the floors of this campus. He wasn’t supposed to be here, why was he here? I wore a blank expression and continued my journey across to the other side. No other taxi driver took a swing at my life; I was safely across the road. I stood there for a while, nothing came from max, no voice shouting Tabby cat, no horse whistle, no ''baby boy'' ring tone from my phone, nothing. He wasn’t here for me, he was probably here for another reason. All of a sudden, I didn’t feel like MBGC anymore. Max was here, nothing else mattered. My phone rang, it had been ringing for a while, I looked at the caller id, it was an unknown number; I did not pick. After a while, a text came in, it was Chief Amadi. I punched the delete button and walked away; I don’t recall giving him my number.
- Tabby
So there I was standing in the middle of the road feeling very foolish. Chief Amadi’s colleague had whisked him away. He followed without even stopping to think “oh what would poor Tabby do out there on her own” instead, he was hopping along like a bunny chasing poisoned carrot, not even a backwards glance! Buh! I know this would be the last time chief what’s his name would have the opportunity, no scratch that! make it privilege. This is the last time that coconut headed chief would have the privilege of walking beside the Most Beautiful Girl on Campus! Can you imagine? If it is that easy to win the title, let him carry his daughter and put on the catwalk now! I turned away and walked in the other direction, away from the spot where I was jilted as I did a semi-jog; I wondered when my branded car was going to be given to me. It was because of the frigging car I entered into the competition in the first place. I jumped out of my 3rd and 4th life when a taxi driver high on kparaga missed sweeping me off my feet by inches. God forbid bad thing! That was not now I imagined I’d go. When the mad man was gone, I looked up, to make sure it wasn’t the invasion of little demons on Nneka’s payroll and who did I see? Seated in a brand new Mercedes jeep, looking like he was torn out of the center fold of a Cosmo magazine was Max. My heart stopped for a second, I lost life number 2. What was he doing on campus? He was supposed to be at the other side of the country; he didn’t strike me as the type to grace the floors of this campus. He wasn’t supposed to be here, why was he here? I wore a blank expression and continued my journey across to the other side. No other taxi driver took a swing at my life; I was safely across the road. I stood there for a while, nothing came from max, no voice shouting Tabby cat, no horse whistle, no ''baby boy'' ring tone from my phone, nothing. He wasn’t here for me, he was probably here for another reason. All of a sudden, I didn’t feel like MBGC anymore. Max was here, nothing else mattered. My phone rang, it had been ringing for a while, I looked at the caller id, it was an unknown number; I did not pick. After a while, a text came in, it was Chief Amadi. I punched the delete button and walked away; I don’t recall giving him my number.
- Tabby
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Entry 01
NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH
I swear! This is the last time I am going to turn my gorgeous neck around and stare when I hear anyone make that hiss-hiss sound again. Imagine me, of all the nerve!! A good for nothing idiot along the road had the boldness to call out, and make me wait. After wasting my time, he walked up to me and asked if he could touch my boobs that he liked them. He even proceeded to make an attempt to touch them, that hot slap I gave him was too little for the way he cried out. I don’t blame him, because suing the bastard!! Is not a popular –ish in Nigeria! Buh, that’s by the way.
My name is Tabitha but everyone calls me Tabby. Wait up, not really every one. Actually, what I’m trying to say is everyone except good-for-nothing-rude-uncultured- not-born- of-a-woman-insensitive-pigheaded-pompous individuals can call me Tabby. To the others, I am Tahilita Swahita Tabitha!! Tongue twister ‘ey? They are all my first names. It might sound cool but, I think it is insane. My mother named me after all her relations! lucky she didn't have any relations with 'z' in their names then. i wonder what i'da been called. I am of the opinion that mother was constantly on one form of high or the other all through the period she had me in her womb even up till the moment she stopped nursing me. What if it was during the days that the teacher counted the letters of your name to determine the amount of strokes you’d receive? Hum, it would have been between her and God oh. I mean, who would place such a burden on her daughter? Let alone an only child? Well, that’s for the both of us to seat and discuss one of these days. Buh, before I get carried away talking about my super hot mother who mourned my late father for seven years before realizing she was a sexy vixen who didn’t die with her first love and decided to live the life (the bad thing is that none of her so called boyfriends lasted for that long so, I took to calling all of them Dash), I’d put a sock in all issues concerning her and return to my tabs. After all, these tabs are not for my mother, they are for me. As I was saying, you can call me Tabby.
I am a 24 year old student of one of the greatest universities in Nigeria (great if you put aside, run-down lab equipments, epileptic power supply, lecturers who play musical beds with students, outrageous fees for courses we spend a better part of the semester imagining and missing desks and seats). At 24, I believe I am too old to be a student, by now, I should be done with school and through with youth service. I should be hiding behind mother as she chases away prospective suitors bidding for my hand in marriage with a stick. By now, I should be somewhere in the world chasing my dreams or doing something un-student-like, something productive with my life, not tying either of cardigans, jackets and sweaters around my waist, with a bag filled with more books than I can read in one night and prancing of to class to do TDB. I don’t feel like cramming figures and symbols anymore. Geez, when would I grow up?
Would you believe this, the idea of Tabby’s Tabs was brought about by Dr. Dash, mother’s current boyfriend. He couldn’t figure me out and because I keep calling him Dash (much to the annoyance of mother) he made mother bring me to his office for a session. After about an hour of asking me how does this make you feel, he concluded I had issues? Buh, if he thinks by calling her daughter a disturbed psycho, he’d get points with her then, he is the one with bigger issues, he should be booking multiple sessions with me!!
OMG!! It’s almost noon. I have lectures by 1pm. If not for that gill-less tout that harassed me on my way back from town, I might have had time to write some more. Sadly though, I have to stop here so, I’d make it to class on time. Photocopying notes all the time is really beginning to give me a bad reputation.
Ps: when I get back, I’d write about that witch called Nneka she is a hell spawn! I swear, it’s like Satan molded her from his left rib(no wonder artist portray him as a goat, Nneka is with most of his human likeness). As in, he really took his time to create her. Then, after he was through he gave her the mission he said Nneka, go into the world and look for Tabby. Look for her and find her, when you find her, follow her to the hole, make her life a living nightmare. Do this my child. Buh! No time for that now, maybe later.
Pss: Stanley, Stanley, Stanley. If Stanley were a frog, I’d kiss him and all the other Anurans (frogs) of the order! Stanley. (He is o so dreamy!)
Okay, now I am going
Really-really
Okay, I have gone
Bye!
- TABBY
I swear! This is the last time I am going to turn my gorgeous neck around and stare when I hear anyone make that hiss-hiss sound again. Imagine me, of all the nerve!! A good for nothing idiot along the road had the boldness to call out, and make me wait. After wasting my time, he walked up to me and asked if he could touch my boobs that he liked them. He even proceeded to make an attempt to touch them, that hot slap I gave him was too little for the way he cried out. I don’t blame him, because suing the bastard!! Is not a popular –ish in Nigeria! Buh, that’s by the way.
My name is Tabitha but everyone calls me Tabby. Wait up, not really every one. Actually, what I’m trying to say is everyone except good-for-nothing-rude-uncultured- not-born- of-a-woman-insensitive-pigheaded-pompous individuals can call me Tabby. To the others, I am Tahilita Swahita Tabitha!! Tongue twister ‘ey? They are all my first names. It might sound cool but, I think it is insane. My mother named me after all her relations! lucky she didn't have any relations with 'z' in their names then. i wonder what i'da been called. I am of the opinion that mother was constantly on one form of high or the other all through the period she had me in her womb even up till the moment she stopped nursing me. What if it was during the days that the teacher counted the letters of your name to determine the amount of strokes you’d receive? Hum, it would have been between her and God oh. I mean, who would place such a burden on her daughter? Let alone an only child? Well, that’s for the both of us to seat and discuss one of these days. Buh, before I get carried away talking about my super hot mother who mourned my late father for seven years before realizing she was a sexy vixen who didn’t die with her first love and decided to live the life (the bad thing is that none of her so called boyfriends lasted for that long so, I took to calling all of them Dash), I’d put a sock in all issues concerning her and return to my tabs. After all, these tabs are not for my mother, they are for me. As I was saying, you can call me Tabby.
I am a 24 year old student of one of the greatest universities in Nigeria (great if you put aside, run-down lab equipments, epileptic power supply, lecturers who play musical beds with students, outrageous fees for courses we spend a better part of the semester imagining and missing desks and seats). At 24, I believe I am too old to be a student, by now, I should be done with school and through with youth service. I should be hiding behind mother as she chases away prospective suitors bidding for my hand in marriage with a stick. By now, I should be somewhere in the world chasing my dreams or doing something un-student-like, something productive with my life, not tying either of cardigans, jackets and sweaters around my waist, with a bag filled with more books than I can read in one night and prancing of to class to do TDB. I don’t feel like cramming figures and symbols anymore. Geez, when would I grow up?
Would you believe this, the idea of Tabby’s Tabs was brought about by Dr. Dash, mother’s current boyfriend. He couldn’t figure me out and because I keep calling him Dash (much to the annoyance of mother) he made mother bring me to his office for a session. After about an hour of asking me how does this make you feel, he concluded I had issues? Buh, if he thinks by calling her daughter a disturbed psycho, he’d get points with her then, he is the one with bigger issues, he should be booking multiple sessions with me!!
OMG!! It’s almost noon. I have lectures by 1pm. If not for that gill-less tout that harassed me on my way back from town, I might have had time to write some more. Sadly though, I have to stop here so, I’d make it to class on time. Photocopying notes all the time is really beginning to give me a bad reputation.
Ps: when I get back, I’d write about that witch called Nneka she is a hell spawn! I swear, it’s like Satan molded her from his left rib(no wonder artist portray him as a goat, Nneka is with most of his human likeness). As in, he really took his time to create her. Then, after he was through he gave her the mission he said Nneka, go into the world and look for Tabby. Look for her and find her, when you find her, follow her to the hole, make her life a living nightmare. Do this my child. Buh! No time for that now, maybe later.
Pss: Stanley, Stanley, Stanley. If Stanley were a frog, I’d kiss him and all the other Anurans (frogs) of the order! Stanley. (He is o so dreamy!)
Okay, now I am going
Really-really
Okay, I have gone
Bye!
- TABBY
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Entry 17
SHEKPE!!
I am bringing sexy back!! I Miss Tahilita Swahita Tabitha say so!
Who would have ever thought a black walking stick would go so well with a miniskirt and a black and white striped tube top?! Am looking all zebra-ey, black, gold, Sexy as hell and hotter than fire!
They are having a carnival and as the still reigning MBGC, I have a VIP pass to all the events taking place.
I worked hard for my crown so; there is no way I am going to miss out. Grounded or not! Nneka and her legion need an upgrade because her and her minions are not going to hold me back!
Besides, I met someone really special about 4 days ago, I haven’t seen him in 2 days so, the carnival would be a nice place to rekindle the spark that flickered when we met buh, he asked me to be his date too. How could I possibly say no?
There is going to be a bonfire, loads of palm wine, suya and kegites on the drum!!
Looking forward to the coming events is enough to make anyone’s blood pump with anticipation.
Life in university is not what it used to be compared to the stories I heard from my cousins during their time.
Universities are turning into glorified secondary schools with individuals passing through school without any preparation whatsoever for life in the ‘big-wide-world’ buh, it’s a little wonder dem babes and blokes are running ‘abroad’ to do masters.
I have decided to take it upon myself to get an all round education; books smart, streets smart and money smart! Most importantly, lessons one of my re-education begins by 7pm tonight!! Bottoms up!!!
- TABBY
I am bringing sexy back!! I Miss Tahilita Swahita Tabitha say so!
Who would have ever thought a black walking stick would go so well with a miniskirt and a black and white striped tube top?! Am looking all zebra-ey, black, gold, Sexy as hell and hotter than fire!
They are having a carnival and as the still reigning MBGC, I have a VIP pass to all the events taking place.
I worked hard for my crown so; there is no way I am going to miss out. Grounded or not! Nneka and her legion need an upgrade because her and her minions are not going to hold me back!
Besides, I met someone really special about 4 days ago, I haven’t seen him in 2 days so, the carnival would be a nice place to rekindle the spark that flickered when we met buh, he asked me to be his date too. How could I possibly say no?
There is going to be a bonfire, loads of palm wine, suya and kegites on the drum!!
Looking forward to the coming events is enough to make anyone’s blood pump with anticipation.
Life in university is not what it used to be compared to the stories I heard from my cousins during their time.
Universities are turning into glorified secondary schools with individuals passing through school without any preparation whatsoever for life in the ‘big-wide-world’ buh, it’s a little wonder dem babes and blokes are running ‘abroad’ to do masters.
I have decided to take it upon myself to get an all round education; books smart, streets smart and money smart! Most importantly, lessons one of my re-education begins by 7pm tonight!! Bottoms up!!!
- TABBY
once again
Why the chicken crossed the road would always remain one of life's mysteries.
Why NEPA switched its name to Power Holding Company with no visible change in the state of electric power supply in the country probably has a good explanation but, I am yet to discover what it is.
Why we have so many beautiful states in Nigeria with no pliable roads to reach them is the million dollar question.
A citizen of one of the most beautiful countries in Africa; Nigeria. Its hard to hate the country.
When you listen and hear the different sounds and voices the place has to offer, our diverse culture, the rhythms of our native tongues, the delicacies each tribe urges you to try and savor? You can't help but fall in love!
I have been called dysfunctional, maladjusted, impulsive and crazy. What can I say? You be the judge.
Laugh with me, criticize me, praise me, condemn me, leave a comment, say whats on your mind! I am Tahilita Swahita Tabitha and these are my tabs.
Enjoy!
Why NEPA switched its name to Power Holding Company with no visible change in the state of electric power supply in the country probably has a good explanation but, I am yet to discover what it is.
Why we have so many beautiful states in Nigeria with no pliable roads to reach them is the million dollar question.
A citizen of one of the most beautiful countries in Africa; Nigeria. Its hard to hate the country.
When you listen and hear the different sounds and voices the place has to offer, our diverse culture, the rhythms of our native tongues, the delicacies each tribe urges you to try and savor? You can't help but fall in love!
I have been called dysfunctional, maladjusted, impulsive and crazy. What can I say? You be the judge.
Laugh with me, criticize me, praise me, condemn me, leave a comment, say whats on your mind! I am Tahilita Swahita Tabitha and these are my tabs.
Enjoy!
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