Entry 44

UNFAZED

The first thought that entered my head was ‘Nneka has done it!’ I screamed at the highest note my voice could hit, hopped from one foot to the other and wrung my fingers like freshly laundered sheets before it occurred to me to stop panicking and think. The problem was; being faced with a burning frying pan, a smoke covered kitchen and imagining the gas cooker going “Boom!” at any instant thinking became a novel idea. Somewhere in my head, I pictured Johnny Bravo (a cartoon character) in a fireman’s outfit saying ‘stop, drop and roll’ it gave me comfort for a while till I tried to figure out how the burning pan was going to stop, drop and roll. I out of the kitchen through the back door, packed sand into a rubber pail and brought it inside but throwing sand at the gas didn’t seem like a good plan. I considered making a solution with detergent and pouring it on the frying pan but with the gas still burning brightly, I didn’t think that too would have been a good idea. That loud voice in my head that tells me to do bad things (not the tiny one that gives advice which I often do not take) was screaming panic Tabby! Panic!! The kitchen is on fire, we are all going to die (“we” being the loud voice, the quiet voice and myself). The voice seemed quite certain of the outcome from the day’s event and gave a grim survival ratio. I was close to believing it before it occurred to me to use the oven mittens which were hanging happily from the hook above my head to pick up the burning frying pan, drop it outside and run back to turn off the gas. Thankfully the plan worked! After I short of threw the frying pan (fire and all) out the back door, ran to turn off the gas (which by the special grace of G*d had not exploded) and began opening windows to let in more air. Next, I took in deep breaths in an attempt to calm my racing pulse and staggered to the guest room.
I unplugged the standing fan from the wall socket, rolled the cord around the body and brought it to the kitchen turning it to face it the area with the most of the smoke before plugging it to another socket in order to hasten the removal of the choking smell and smoke that had ensued.
Just after the kitchen was back to ‘near’ normal, the blasted phone rang. Everything happened so fast that I almost forgot how it began in the first place. Buh, it serves me right.
Mother had said I should go visiting with her, Annabel and Dr. Dash but I refused making up a lousy excuse that she brought.
A while later, tired of painting my face and haunting the house, I realized I was hungry and decided I’d eat fried plantain and wash it down with the bottle of wine I had been hoarding from the Christmas party mother hosted a few days earlier.
The can of vegetable oil was empty.
Too lazy to refill it from the pantry, I decided to bleach palm oil and use instead. I had cut the plantain and poured oil into the pan when I heard my phone ringing in the other room. It was a text message from an unknown number.
The message ended with a wink. Curious, I sat down and replied. After a few exchanges I discovered the ‘texter’ was Dotun the younger brother of one Dr. Eyikimi’s colleagues.
He was being sweet and “Tabby liked very much”. I curled up in the sofa and continued 'texting' forgetting all about the oil I was bleaching in the kitchen.
It was not until Dotun asked if he could come take me out to lunch that I remembered what I left on the burner. Without responding, I threw the phone down and ran to the kitchen. The rest they say is history.
The number was unknown; I picked up the phone and connected the call warily. It was Dotun. He wondered why I didn’t respond to his text. I let out a sign of relief, smiled and shook my head telling him that even if I gave him forty chances to guess, he will not be able to get the reason why. Still shaken from my ordeal, I spoke a little gibberish and made my way to the back to see how much damage had been done to the frying pan (that was one of mother’s favorite frying pans). It was burnt beyond repair I shook my head in disbelief. He made the offer to take me to lunch again, I said sure. Why not? I was not in the mood to risk cooking another frying pan, the bottle of wine might as well stay for another week and I was certain that turning mothers kitchen to ‘the scene of the crime’ was not going to score me any points with either herself or Dr. Dash. I asked him to give me sometime (so I could make an attempt to clean up the mess) and ran to my room to get dressed. When mother and Dr. Eyikimi returned to the house, I was going to be doing a lot of talking. So, it is for the best I went out for lunch and forgot about my worries for as long as I could

- Tabby