Entry 24

TAHILITA AND THE DRAGON

Would anyone believe I almost forgot how beautiful the setting sun is?
My phone keeps ringing, but I wouldn’t pick it.
I know who the caller is; I gave him a caller tune, long before I decided he was my special one.
My throat feels sore; it’s from all the crying.
These are supposed to be happy days for me, buh! I should be relieved, I should be rejoicing, I should be doing the remix of the ‘garala’ dance!!
I fought my addiction to drugs, it wasn’t an easy task (I shall remain forever grateful to my special one) but instead, I am hurting inside, inside, I am cold.
I feel so cold.
I had always known he had another side to him but, I had refused to live in fear of that, things were going so well for us, I thought to myself ‘this is it! I have finally found him; I have his missing rib, we’d complete ourselves.’ still on some level, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.
How it ended, I never would have expected it in a million guesses...

Lying, cheating, stealing, either one of those, compared to this, they are a forgivable minor offenses! Worse off, I was labeled the guilty party, I was labeled the thief, I bore the stigma, me.
I didn’t ask him for anything, i didn't make any demands. All I wanted was for him to be true to me (i guess that is too much to ask from him, from any man).
In the face of a mere trial, he swung back his neck and struck, he hit me, he hit me hard, he hit me where it hurt the most.
If I close my eyes, I can still see the spite in his face, his disappointment and the accusing fingers pointed at me. I can hear the hurtful words he spat.
The tears that run down my cheeks feel hot against my skin, what makes them boil? Is it anger or pain?
I don’t want to linger on clouds from the past the bottom line is that it is over, I wish it ended some other way but, ‘no regrets’ right?
Me and my special one? Over!
To cut the long story short, his passport, flight ticket and some American dollars went missing, without even asking or checking, he dragged me by the throat and accused me of doing away with it. He said I was still an addict and was pretending to be clean so I’d get him to trust me again.
Buh, trust.
He embarrassed me, had me arrested and beaten up by the police.
I don’t recall the exact point at which I swallowed my pride and called mother all I know is that the pain was too much to bear, I wanted out.
She came to my rescue and told him to stop, that if he should even look at my shadow in his lifetime, life as he knew it would cease to exist.
She swore on my father’s grave that she would get him a one way ticket to the frozen center of hell after first ripping out his entrails and feeding them to rabid dogs. She meant it and he knew.
Mother was really pissed; I had never seen her that way.
Off course, she wasn’t happy about what I had gone through for the past months and she beat herself for not noticing how far off I had gone.
As for my special one, after all my cries and pleas for him to believe me, to trust me that I was innocent, (appeals that he turned deaf ears to) it took the intercession of a pastor and a repentant night guard to reveal to him that his money was stolen by the combined efforts of himself (the night guard) and the boy that laundered his clothes [the night guard was having spiritual problems, the pastor, ministered to by the holy spirit told him that if he ever wanted to progress in life, and be healed, he had to return the life he had taken and the money that went with it]. Shamed faced and repentant, my special one returned. He came to me with the story and an apology.
It was too late; the damage had already been done.
The damage is already done.
Forgiveness buh? I think not!
For a man that is not my husband, father or brother to put me in such a situation, for strangers to mark my body with strokes from a leather belt, for me to spend the night in a prison cell, forgiveness?
I have been through incredible things in my life but this is by far the worse, with time I’d heal, with time I’d forgive but now, I am just not ready.
The setting sun is so pretty, it gives me hope, the weather has suddenly turned chilly, it’s time to go inside the house, first, my face (mother must not find out I have been crying again).
I’d do mothers nails, we’d watch a movie together next week, I’d return to school.
Life goes on

- Tabby

[End of Entry 13 – 24]