Entry 23

DEATH OF PANDORA

I woke up to find myself scantily dressed, legs and arms bound and lying in a gutter in an awkward position.
The first thing that occurred to me was how badly I needed a smoke. It took a while for it to dawn on me that I was lying almost naked in a gutter.
I screamed and tried to jump out.
Moving like a worm, I used my knees and elbows to crawl out of the gutter then struggled to rid myself of the ropes. The twigs and debris that fell to the floor as I tried to straighten out the not so present clothes gave me the creeps.
I had no idea whether it was early morning or late evening. I could taste bile in my throat and the chill that ran through my spine was not from lack of clothes.
Fear.
By G*d, I needed a smoke.
How had I ended up in the gutter?
The last thing I remembered, I had gotten away with stealing money from mothers purse and also selling my laptop in order to buy ‘quality stuff’ [it was a rip-off]. I realized soon enough that the money I paid for the stash wasn’t worth the quality; I was broke and needed my money back.
Ifeoma had promised to introduce me to some people who would deal mercilessly with the boys and get double my money back.
My head throbbed.
I ran my hand across my face and flinched in pain. Buh, my eyes were swollen.
Did I have a fight with Ifeoma or was I beaten? Did I fall into the gutter or worse?
I reached into my pocket and searched for my wallet, nothing. There was no form of identification on me, no phone and no loose change in the pocket of my once blue jeans [very unlike me]nothing.
I stood for a while, no direction, nowhere to go.
I began to wander then, after walking for a while, I spotted a row of houses with light burning at a distance. I limped in the direction of the house closet to me and knocked on the door. Lucky for me, the owner was a kind spirited man and did not question my appearance, after offering me a towel and water to wash up as best as I could, he loaned me his phone; I called my special one.
In minutes, he was there at the door begging to be let in. he trapped me in a tight embrace and kissed my swollen face. He said I had been missing for two days, he had been worried sick.
My special one tried to press some Naira notes into the kind stranger’s hand as a show of gratitude but, he turned him down.
We said thank you and made our way out.
Repeating “this has to end” like a mantra, he took me to his house.
He had been suspicious about my addiction for a while longer than I had tried to hide it. He trusted me and had initially waited in the hopes that (me being a reasonable person) I’d handle it on my own but seeing how I had endangered myself and caused him so much worry, he wasn’t taking chances anymore.
He locked me up in the bathroom with just a bottle of water.
I banged on the door begging to be let out.
I had broken into a sweat, I was shivering, my hands were shaking and goose pimples had erupted on my forearms.
Losing my mind, I needed a smoke. I needed something, anything! I begged him to give me a stick, just a stick for G*d’s frigging sake!
After I tore apart his bathroom cabinets and lockers, not finding anything to smoke or inhale and cut my finger on a broken glass I was pulled to reality.
It was the sight of my blood shining brightly on the white bathroom tile that made me pause.
I began to cry, I wanted to die! Why was this happening to me, why me? Why was I the one always having failed relationships, dead fathers and broken body parts, what did I ever do to deserve it? And now look at me, just look at me! I was a mess, my life is ruined!!
Where did I go wrong? Why me? Why? Why?! Why!
I had myself to blame, just me.
I single handedly choose to destroy my life and now, I was paying for it.
I had a wonderful life, people who loved me and the comfort of a home.
Was G*d watching? Did he see? Why didn’t he stop me? Could he see me?
I prayed to G*d silently through the hot tears burning down my cheek. Although I suspected he was fed up with me, I still prayed.
I am Tabitha Swahita Tahilita, I am an addict.
- Tabby