Entry 07

VAVAVOOM

I remember telling mother she looked ‘okay’ by the time she applied the fourth layer of makeup to her face. THAT was my mistake; I guess the ‘okay’ was the word that propelled her to reach for the tube of lipstick again.
I should have used words like ravishing, breathtaking, sexy, appealing or drop dead gorgeous.
Not feeling in any particular mood, I donned on ‘buba’ and ‘wrapper’, clasped a set of mother’s antique beads and chains around my neck and unceremoniously tied the matching ‘gele’ on my head.
Since mother was looking so glamorous, there was no need to compete with her and turn up looking like a pride of exotic birds for the wedding of a groom whose last name neither she nor I remembered.
Meanwhile, if she did not stop manipulating the contours of her face soon, she would end up looking like a ‘suicidal raccoon’. Luckily, Dr. dash arrived right on time!


After the bazillion hours long wedding, exchange of vows and blah, blah, blah, I stood outside holding mothers handbag for another 45minutes waiting for her to take pictures with every one; ‘friends of the bride’, ‘friends of the groom’, ‘classmates of the bride’, ‘classmates of the groom’, ‘alumni’, ‘ashewebi’s’, ‘ladies in pink’, ‘village groups’ and all other protocols (lousy excuse to delay hungry guest like myself from getting to ‘item 7’ if you ask me). Finally, she was through and walking to my side only to be stopped midway by an extremely tall and huge lady who was trying 'too hard' to look 20 years younger than her obvious age.
Buh, I mean! After you get to a certain age, miniskirts and tank tops are just not for you! Especially if you are a well rounded Nigerian woman with forearms that tend to be flabby and thighs that 'saw' better days Yuck!
I turned away in disgust and fanned my face with my fingers. Mother didn’t look uncomfortable though, she enthusiastically returned the hugs and kisses of ‘not so hot grandma’ and completely forgot I was there; tired and hungry! They walked up to me, she stared from my face to mothers and after a moments pause, was like “Gosh Lilly, you didn’t tell me you had an elder sister! Your mother must have been one strong lady. I mean giving birth to not one but two beautiful girls!”
As fake as her accent was, she was also an idiot! I rolled my eyes, grabbed the wedding invitation from mothers hand and spat out as I turned to leave “she is my mother!” (obviously, she hurt my feelings!! why would I be THE elder if we were siblings?) I walked away in search of Dr. Dash.
G*d save me from such women and their wahala abeg.
I didn’t see Dr. Dash by the car, I wondered where he was but was given temporary relief; instead of the missing Dr. Dash, about a foot away, leaning on another car and looking like he owned the world was Stanley! When he noticed me I gave a small smile and wove.
He walked up to me, complimented my outfit and asked about ‘the dog that was sent to the butchers’. I laughed and told him that ‘the dog’ happened to have a map of the city tattooed on its body; it broke out of the butcher’s cage and had gone in search of its missing elder brother.
After a photographer caught us together and took our picture, he brought me a much appreciated stick of ‘fun blast’ ice-cream. I told him I was now officially his servant! (Hum… me and Stanley?) Turns out weddings are a nice venue for hooking up with single attractive men.

- TABBY