Entry 31

BEER BUDDIES

With deep sorrow in our hearts but profound gratitude to G*d for a life well spent, we regret to announce the death of- G*d forbid bad thing!!!

Although the thought has crossed my mind on several occasions and truly, I hope to make heaven but, the thought of actually dying is not a topic I actively linger on.
Take for example my incidence with the “unholy hooligan”…

I was reading for my exams, occasionally going across the block to Suashi’s (my classmate I only talk to during exam period) room and she to mine until it got to the point when I stopped asking “who is it” when there was a knock on my door.
Later that night, I was feeling sleepy and decided that listening to 2face’s old album (the one with that track ‘ole’) would keep me awake. I had skipped to track 8 and made halted attempts to swing my tired waist to the rhythm when there was a hesitant knock on my door.
I knew it was Suashi and wondered why she was knocking like a hungry rat that had just finished paying child support. Still I asked who it was and her response was “Tabby it’s me, don’t open” buh, did I hear wrong or was Suashi knocking and telling me not to open? Thinking it was early-distress-examination-related-syndrome and not heeding the warning, I pulled back the bolt and swung the door open only to come face to face with the ugliest sight I pray to ever behold. It was a masked marauder with his right arm around her neck and a gun nestled snugly on her temple.

The first thing that came to my head was that the devil had become man and was staring right at me. Without thinking, I pointed a finger at him and began to pray. I was commanding the devil to flee from my presence and telling him that the light was no place for darkness, I was getting close to speaking in tongues (am not sure if it was the effect of the prayers that got to him or not) when the ‘human’ flung Suashi at me and cocked his gun.
Unfazed, I continued to ‘kabash’ urging G*d to send down fire and brimstone. He advised Suashi to shut me up else, she would be the next to die after me. When she got up, she tripped on the chord of my reading lamp, pulling it out of the socket and throwing the room into darkness. Before our assailant became royally pissed, we rushed to switch on the fluorescent light and told him it was an accident. Not believing either of us, he pointed the gun from me to Suashi then back to me before letting out a warning, he was like: “I’d shoot somebody”. On hearing him, I began my prayer session again, this time praying that the lord would receive my soul because I was so sure that I’d be the first target he’d choose to ‘X’. Suashi’s whimpering and tears finally got me to shut up. Luckily, I left my phones and laptop at Faruk’s the only thing of value were my jewelries and barely worn Nike sneakers. He took them and left [tears].

Suashi fainted while I stood rooted to the spot not believing that my zodiac sign pendant was really gone.

He came on two other occasions gradually turning me into a nervous wreck until Faruk suggested I buy a crate of beer and invite him to rest for a while before going about his ‘business as usual’ the next time he came. He was like, there could be a huge probability that the guy liked me but, lacked the proper approach to get to me.

After the 3rd attack, I figured there might be truth to what Faruk said and went ahead to buy the beer.
Lucky me, he must have discovered a more attractive and willing host than me because after I loaded my fridge with a crate of beer, I never saw him again.
He had succeeded in turning me into a nervous-jumpy wreck, flinching each time I got a knock at my door after 8pm, making sure there was always beer in my fridge and double checking my bolts every other hour.
If I ran into a doctor in that state, he’d have booked me into the nearest ward for people with mental illness with a possibility of cerebral shock. Imagine me, death by anxiety?
Buh, who cares if he never returned to ‘break bread’ over the bottles of beer I had purchased for him? I know I don’t!
Its good riddance to bad rubbish!!

- Tabby


*special edition