Entry 39

UNAPPRECIATED

Arrgh!! Everywhere is wet, slimy and sticky. My room smells like a wet dog covered in a wet blanket lying on a wet mattress and chewing on a stolen wet leather slipper. Buh! Would someone please turn off the rain switch and let the freaking sun come out to play?! It’s at times like this that I blame mother for not getting hitched to some white man and birthing me in a country with four season’s (South Africa, Greenland and Iceland not included). The month of October is supposed to be the start of autumn for crying out loud. All those books she got me with stories of leaves turning brown and shedding their summer clothes should count for something buh. In October, there should be fewer rainy days, things drying up and all that but instead what do I get?

Wet!

Truth be told, if I were honest with myself (given that I am not really a rain and water person), I’d admit that most of my anger with the weather is coming from the fact that Lanre turned out to be a law man worse, not just a regular law man but a yellow fever to boost!
Since when do they recruit nice looking, well spoken and good mannered people into the force? The fairytale way he appeared out of nowhere and assisted me in crossing the road should have been the clue I needed to know that something was up. That he offered to help me carry some of my groceries and talked me into having snacks and a drink is something that would have set off alarm bells if only the darkened clouds overhead was not making me quite an agreeable person in a bid to be out of the way should the rain decide to reign. The fairytale would have been bliss if I did not decide to renounce the expected “African time”, borrow a car and go early for our second “date” serves me right though because my beloved Lanre was just getting off duty decked in his orange shirt and black trousers.
The thought of Nneka pointing her French tipped fingers and laughing at me for dating a “yellow fever” was enough to scare me into pushing Dr. Dash’s car into reverse and backing out of the street before he could spot me. As luck would have it, just when I had gotten to the end of the one way and was about switching to the right side of the road, a yellow fever ran out of G*d knows where and jumped into the car before I had time to hit the locks. He brought along his assistant whom I called Goldilocks under my breath and they had a swell time embarrassing me, making me beg and plead.

An hour, a phone call and five thousand naira later, I was free of them swearing to have my revenge on all members of the Nigerian law enforcement agencies et al (maybe I’d marry a politician and make him pass out a bill or something, hmm).

Walking back to my place in school after I figured nothing could go wrong anymore, the fates waited until I was crossing the road before sending a nice young gentleman in a purple Rav4 jeep to zoom past dousing me with nice, warm and dirty water from the puddle in a pothole. Great, just great! Lucky my lips were closed, set in a straight line from the frown that manifested on my face since I returned Dash’s car after the ‘yellow fever’ incidence (I wonder what they are called in real life, “Fanta police”?) or else the thought of having a little taste of water mixed with the run-off urine passed out by men who hear this call from the great spirit of the outdoors and answer by pissing by the roadside, saliva and catarrh from individuals who aren’t emotionally balanced until they have a little spitting and nose blowing session and all things gross would have sent me straight to paranoia land or a hospital.

Eww! Either a flying snake spat on me or birds have learned a new trick. Buh, there’s another one! Well what do you know! The rain is here again, I have neither a raincoat nor an umbrella. Good thing am heading home already because at this moment, I don’t really care if my day gets any worse. C’mon madam rainfall, hit me with all you’ve got!!

- Tabby

Entry 42

UNDECIDED

I could have sworn it was a mosquito making buzzing sounds in my ear until the buzz turned into a menacing voice forming the words “Nneka my dear, the queen of killers”. That’s when I realized I was dreaming.

In the dream, I searched for the owner of the voice because it was important for the voice to know that I was neither Nneka nor the Queen of killers for that matter. I began to panic when I found myself standing in the middle of a room with several doors; all closed. The voice was laughing, sending its echo from behind one of the shut doors, my pulse quickened, blood was pumping rapidly within my veins and I could taste fear. Frantically, I searched for the source of the voice opening one door after the other and shouting at the same time. “I am Tabby, I am no killer!!” the room began to get warm and I could see fire coming at me from a distance with the face of Anubis.
In one room was my baby sister Annabel, I couldn’t see but I could hear her laughing happily; she was getting a bath, strange.
The voice came again, closer this time “Queen of murderers, Nneka” followed by evil laughter. I shouted back to it. “I am Tabby! Its Nneka you want, I am Tabby!!”
I forgot about my sister and resumed flinging doors open my legs were clouded in smoke, I could smell roasting meat, I was on fire!

Would I say luckily for me or unluckily for me now but whatever the case, I felt a bug crawl into my nose and this wasn’t a dream!
I woke up with a start and reached for the tissue paper beside my bed but no matter how hard I blew, I couldn’t dislodge the bug.

Lying sideways on the floor red heart in hand was a teddy bear, present from Max; I flung my pillow at it and turned the other way.
Recalling how we begun our game of charades again this time, I got up from my bed, picked up the hated ball of cotton and stuffed it in the trash can.
That foolish text he sent to me weeks ago claiming to be a secret admirer! Buh he can be so sweet when he chooses to be but at the slightest sign of dawn, he slinks back into the shadows like a cursed creature (here’s an idea; I could take holy water from church sprinkle on him and watch what happens, buh, these days one can never be so certain).
This thing between me and Max has to be the solution for the best kept secret. No matter how much distance I put between the both of us or how many pins I stick into the voodoo doll I made of him, we keep having reruns and pointless drama.
Destiny or should I say fate is definitely a mad man so, his sick sense of humor doesn’t surprise me buh, I wonder who the joke would be on if I lay my hands on him, pin him down and shove 50 ripe mangoes up his /whoohaa/.

I can’t shake the eerie feeling that I woke up with, it is that foolish dream I had of being crowned heir apparent.
Do I have a subconscious desire to be herself (Nneka)? Or have I bought so much pirated movies enriching “Iyke d Don” so much that now he is sending me “wireless” packages?
Whatever the case, I am so not in the mood for such.
The year is coming to an end once more. Taking stock of my life and planning for the New Year takes premier priority as for Nneka and her lot? I can’t shout!

- Tabby

Entry 37

Untitled

When I spit "shuwo?" Throway from my mouth, I no come know but the way my brother man bin dey para dey voke, I taya sootey, I no blame myself again.
I dey my lane, dey siddon for my dormot when trouble dey use torch light with duracell battery dey find me! E reach the stage wey me I surrender arms begin come dey wither for the matter. I feel like to shout "na me shoot bird make I'm mama fly?! Abi na I'm be the handiwork wey I go carry take dig my papa grave?!" When I para reach full circle, I siddon for corner think am say as the thing dey take do me like so, e for get why.
As provoke don commot for my center, I fit siddon use tongue wey no be my mama own to speak...
First and foremost, I came to the startling realization that of late, I think of one particular person far more than I care to admit.
Her name?
Nneka!
To get her off my mind, I packed a hand luggage and hopped on a bus going to Cally from B-side. My reason again?? When I think of it now, I am not so certain.
One thing I am certain of is that while seated between two idiots getting high on cigarettes and cough syrup and a girl who's annoying phone beeped every other second I came to the realization that if I were to decide to, there'd be many ways to kill her!!
My name is Tabitha Swahita Tahilita, welcome to the insanity!!

- Tabby